Strangely, the body of Queen Elizabeth I, decomposing since 1533, was photographed nude for New York Magazine.
What's more, she's disparaging an Academy Award winning actress by using the pseudonym "Helen Mirren."
"Of course its not Helen," said a local man, who wished to anonymous and, therefore, not killed.
"Helen is a beautiful woman," said the source. "I remember seeing her nude in a movie. She was hawt. The woman in those photos looked like her whole body shriveled.
Helen Mirren's husband, Taylor Hackford, the London Zoo's oldest silverback gorilla, said that it could not have been Helen it the photos.
"She said she did a photo session with New York magazine," Hackford said, while peeling a banana with his feet. "But she would never, ever pose nude."
"I mean, she was momentarily naked in Caligula," said Hackford, while removing insects from the fur of another ape. "Momentarily on all fours, when that guy hikes her dress up. And momentarily when she makes out with Teresa Ann Savoy, So, only that.
"And a brief scene in 'Hussy', and a scene or two in 'Savage Messiah'. And she was naked when she played that guy Ayn Rand in that 'Passion' movie," Hackford added, while beating his chest and making that 'whoo whoo' sound.
"And she was naked in 'Cause Célèbre' Oh, and 'The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone' and 'The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover'," added Hackford. "And 'Age of Consent.' She was naked through that whole movie!! Mr. Skin had to add a new server to handle all of those screen caps."
Finally, "Oh, and 'Excalibur' as well. She really aired out her Hoo-Hah in that one," Hackford said angrily, before scaling the Empire State Building to swat at biplanes.
Mirren's alleged floppy flappers will be there to damage corneas worldwide starting July 5th.