Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 2 July 2010

image for Robert Pattinson To Marry Emma Watson - Taylor Lautner To Be Best Man And Kristen Stewart To Be Maid Of Honour
Artist's Impression Of Buffty Sleeping It Off

A text message from our showbiz source, Buffty Ginslinger, caused sharp intakes of breath and gasps of incredulity yesterday afternoon at the Skoob News office, as we were informed that Twilight star Rob Pattinson is set to marry Harry Potter star Emma Watson.

With Taylor 'The Werewolf' Lautner set to be best man, and Kristen Stewart similarly poised to become maid of honour.

Buffty's text message assured us that the wedding would take place later this year at the J Edgar Hoover Wedding Chapel on The Strip in Las Vegas.

With the Right Reverend Calvin Hacksaw presiding over the nuptuals.

A further text informed us that Lily Allen and Katy Perry (Russell Brand's wife in waiting) were scheduled to perform at the reception. With guest appearances by Beyonce, Jay-Zee, Stevie Wonder, Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney, The Who, and the Rolling Stones.

Not being totally convinced by this information, we dispatched our office runner, Usain Bolt (a nice Jamaican lad and as quick as shit off a stick) to the Stuff And Bollocks Bar in London's Soho to find out whether or not we were being had.

Usain returned with a semi-comatose Buffty (pissed as a fart as usual, and barely able to stand) so that we could investigate further.

When Buffty Ginslinger finally stopped laughing, we were able to ascertain - with the assistance of FBI profiler I C Baadschidt - that Ginslinger had probably made the whole thing up. Which wouldn't be unusual for Skoob News.

"It's a bloody news story you twerps," Buffty Ginslinger guffawed. "It doesn't matter a fart whether it's true or not. It's blinking good copy. Run the bloody story."

So we have. And we apologise. It's obviously misleading, but who cares? Our source certainly doesn't seem to - he's crouched over the toilet bowl right now calling for Hughie and Ralph and looking a bit green round the gills.

Serves the bugger right.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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