ORLANDO - Elin Nordegren, aka Rich, Rich, Rich Bitch Elin Nordegren will be receiving the unbelievable sum of $750 million in a divorce settlement from her husband Tiger Woods, aka "The Dick With Feet."
Nordegren said that she has one of the finest lawyers in the entire nation. Well DUH!!! No kiddin', and if the attorney gets even just 10 percent, that comes out to a cool $75 million. Folks we are all, all of us, in the wrong friggin business wouldn't you agree?
The soon-to-be-ex "Mrs. Dick With Feet" said that there are of course several stipulations that she must adhere to. One is that Nordegren has to keep her mouth shut and never reveal any details about Tiggy's dilly dalliances (AH NO PROBLEM!!!).
Two Elin has to promise that she will never speak badly to her kids about their skirt chasing daddy (AH NO PROBLEM!!!).
And thirdly she must never speak to Oprah Winfrey, Larry King, or Barbara Walters about the extramarital details of her marriage to the golfing gigolo (AH NO PROBLEM!!!, NO PROBLEM!!!, AND NO PROBLEM!!!).
My goodness that was easy. And so no now Elin Nordegren will return to her native Sweden where she could if she wanted to purchase half of the entire damn effen country.
Elin will be known as Queen Elin The First and she will no doubt live in a palatial mansion that will make Queen Elizabeth's Buckingham Palace seem like a homeless persons cardboard box by comparison.
And TigerBoy. What will become of the guy who had some very beautiful white blonde women flock to him, not because he was cute, not because he was charming, and certainly not because he was well-endowed in the pecker department.
No these beautiful white blonde women flocked to the little golf guy simply because he had more money, much more money than sense, or brains, or values.
So perhaps Tiggy will one day maybe win another golf tournament. And maybe he will find some new sponsors for products such as condoms, Viagra pills, and putters.
But one thing is for sure. The man with the wandering putter had better make sure that he doesn't put his putter in a playpen that makes him end up in the gutter.
In a somewhat related story. The governing body of Wales has voted to change the country's spelling to Whales in honor of the much misunderstood Sperm Whales.