Larry King, reigning monarch of CNN, yesterday announced his decision to abdicate in order to marry divorcee Marge Simpson, currently separated from longtime husband Homer Simpson of Springfield.
King's decision came as a shock to many millions who consider him the rightful heir to the CNN throne, worshipping him above all other talking heads of the last several decades.
Mrs Simpson was unavailable for comment but Homer, her estranged husband and father of three children with a mysterious illness that prevents their growing older, had quite a bit to say:
"I'm the man for Marge, I'm the one who appreciates her strange shape, blue hair and that Julie Kavner nasality. No way can some TV big shot make her happy, she'll be crawling back anytime time now, no matter how rich he is and how infrequently he sets things on fire. Crawling back any minute now...any minute...aaaannnny minute..."
CNN spokesmen affirmed the abdication with these words, "Yes, folks, the King has left the building."
Television faux honesty may never recover.
King will make his official announcement of abdication over the radio this Friday night, though souvenir mugs, scarves and tee shirts with the full text and photos are already available on eBay.