Her name is Sarah Parnell, she's a lap dancer, she looks a little bit like Cheryl by all accounts, and according to some sources, she comes originally from Lithuania.
Oh, and she's Ashley Cole's new girl friend.
Allegedly. She claims to have seen Ashley in his underpants and to have slept with him. Strangely enough, it appears that telephones were somehow involved. Not exactly a stunning departure for Ashley.
This has come as quite shocking news to some observers, because Ashley, England's very own 'Laughing Cavalier' is more usually associated with cerebral ladies, such as university lecturers, astro-physicists, and fine art critics.
"The lap dancer thing has come as a bit of a shock," said seasoned Ashley watcher, Esme Birdchirp of Havering. "Given his status as the finest left-back in the world, I would have expected Ashley to start dating somebody a little more upmarket. A little more intellectual. His choice of new girlfriend gives the misleading impression that Ashley only thinks through his loins. Nothing could be further from the truth."
But a friend of Sarah Parnell's, Vitalia Klutchcock, herself a lap dancer of some renown, originally from the Ukraine, told our reporter:
"Sarah is descended from a Count in her homeland of Lithuania."
Well, we thought she said 'Count.'
More as we get it.