Written by lairdbridger
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Topics: Jesus, Glastonbury

Thursday, 31 March 2005

image for Glastonbury Faithful Await - Eavis Sure to Deliver
Patron Saint of Drugs

It won't only be those who love Jesus up bright and early this Sunday morning. Thousands of recreational drug devotees will join them in the hunt -- not to let the son of God the father into their hearts -- but to lay their hashish coated fingers and cocaine doused genitals on pairs of garishly patterned tickets to possibly the world's largest drug-off.

Last year's loosing of the passes to Eavis' summer Somerset narcotics carnival to the public was marked and marred by the failure of the Worthy Farm website - running on the revolutionary Patter 2000 OS - to cope with the strain placed upon it by the uncharacteristically zealous and more characteristically fevered and crazed attempts of the would be festival goers to acquire their passes.

This year, Eavis has gone back to the drawing boards and emerged, in conjunction with Nazicurity and promotions firm Teen Fiddler, with the Infinite Pats system. I spoke to Eavis as he emerged majestically from a morning wallow in one of the numerous cow-pat swamps which pock his farm for most of the year.

Me: Mr. Eavis your grave majesty, could you tell me what makes you so confident about the success of this years ticket release, given the fiasco of last years, which had all the decorum of the running of the bulls through a small Spanish village?

Michael ( straightening his crown, and farting comfortably, like a large heifer ): Well young squire, what makes me so confident about this year, is the new compatter system myself and the good people at Teen Fiddler have created to handle the strain of the terrible loads we were so unable to contain last year. This year, all 300 of my dairy herds will be involved in powering the 75 painstakingly constructed Babbage difference engines we've built to run the festival web-site. Why this year, we can handle 1 ticket request every 15 seconds, meaning we have more than double the capacity to sell all 150,000 tickets through the website in the two months running up to June. Last year we aimed to sell only a modest 600 tickets through the website - 1 roughly every 2 and a half hours, using a series of several cleverly modified Spinning Jennys. But we underestimated the computer literacy of our attendees. I must say I was surprised, most of the revellers I speak to don't seem the best milkers in the herd, on the whole they seem quite a shy bunch. It just goes to show, you can't judge a cock by its crow. Furthermore, between you and me, this year, we've done our best to discourage as many young-uns as possible, by booking Cliff Richards, The Four Tops and the late Harry Secombe to headline the Pyramid stage. I'm actually hoping for more a more senior crowd this year, and I know folks my age are always up at the crack of dawn Sunday come rain or shine. See, thing is, since Jean passed away, I've been looking for a lady friend, and there just aren't that many suitable in the village. One night it came to me, of course, the festival, I can lure thousands of old-dears here to Worthy Farm, if only I can find a way to keep the tots away, after all, there's still plenty of milk in my udders.

With this, he winked, guffawed, and slid elegantly into another bog for a further wallow. Still, should you wish to cruelly stand between Michael Eavis and his longing for the greyer sex, make sure to take a few less hits from the bong on Saturday night.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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