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Thursday, 24 June 2010

image for Paul McCartney To Headline Woodstock 55+, An Active Living Concert!
PA: "Don't Eat The Brown Acid." Concertgoer: "Don't meat with ground glasses? What? Herbert, what does that mean? "

This summer, Rock and Roll fans will again be defecating on the grass at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel New York, but this time it'll be in adult diapers!!

Promoters announced that blood will once again be squeezed from the precious stone that is the name Woodstock, when 60-something rockers Paul McCartney, Keith Richards and Madonna take to the stage at "Woodstock 55+: An Active Living Concert"

The gated, age restricted concert will include acts that played at the original 1969 concert, as well as from the feces-hurling cash grab that was Woodstock '94 and '99.

To appeal to the crowd likely to attend, promoters have included niceties like a clubhouse with nightly BINGO, exercise facilities, craft rooms and demonstration kitchens.

Promoters will also be positioning First Aid tents at 25' intervals throughout the concert site, and will be adhering to a strict "1 Foley Catheter and Paddle Defib machine per ticketholder" policy.

While performers were hand-selected by the promoters for the concert, they also allowed Woodstock-era acts and alum to call an 800- number to "apply" for a slot on one of the concert's stages.

Calls from 3, Aphex Twin, Blues Traveler, Spin Doctors, Porno For Pyros, Bob Dylan, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Gil Scott-Heron, Paul Rodgers, The Jason Bonham Band, Neville Brothers, Eek A Mouse, Afroman, Shabba Ranks, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Peeping Tom, Nena Cherry, Eagle-Eye Cherry, Busta Cherry, Candlebox, Collective Soul, Deee-Lite, Del Amitri , Futu Futu, The Goats, Ice-T, Huffamoose, King's X, Live, Nine Inch Nails, The Cranberries, Youssou N'Dour, Hot Tuna, From Justin to Kelly, American Idol, Bruce Hornsby, Roger McGuinn, Rob Wasserman, Bob Weir, Primus Not Featuring Dimebag Darrell, Salt 'N Pepa, Country Joe McDonald, Thelma Houston, Orleans, Peacebomb, Rekk, Soul Slinger, Todd Rundgren, Violent Femmes, Joe Cocker, The New Blind Melon Featuring Adam Lambert, Cypress Hill, Crosby Nash and Young (Steven Stills is dead, we think), CeCe Peniston, Phoebe Snow, Arrested Development, Allman Brothers Band, Traffic and The Corpse of Layne Staley were not responded to.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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