Riding the fickle wave of notoriety after photographing Miley Cyrus' unlady-like exit from a car last week, famous fop Perez Hilton suffered a serious professional set-back after he was stricken blind by Helen Mirren's Medusa-like muff. According to witnesses, Perez was staking out a local Red Lobster in hopes of catching the star of the soon to be released "Love Ranch" in a "compromising position," when he suffered massive trauma to his eyes. The blinded blogger was taken to a local hospital where he is listed in serious but stable condition. "The hemorrhaging from his eyes has been brought under control, but he is still in a lot of physical pain and mental anguish," said the attending physician.
According to one account, a confidential source revealed to Perez that the 65 year old Mirren has lunch at Red Lobster every Tuesday. Perez was strategically situated directly across from Mirren's 1980 Honda Accord waiting for her to exit the vehicle when he suddenly dropped his camera. He staggered a few feet, grabbing his eyes and screaming something unintelligible, which was most likely, "My eyes!!! My f_cking eyes!!!" Several of Hilton's associates rushed him to a waiting car and spirited him away for immediate medical attention for bleeding eyes and a mysteriously unexplained hard-on. One witness, who declined to be identified, described the pandemonium.
"Helen opened her car door and appeared to notice Perez with his camera. And before he could fully 'flame on,' she shot him the beaver from Hell! Perez was zooming in from across the street over there, so he must have had a horrifically clear view of Mirren's muff. I mean, I was petrified enough so I can't imagine the absolute occular agony through a telephoto lens!" When asked to describe the...er...state of Helen's "hoo hoo", another witness described it as a cross between Don King's hair and Side Show Bob peeking out of a man-hole.
"There were these noises, first a creaking door, then something ghostly...you know, like 'Boooooooo'. And I swear I saw disembodied spirits escaping the netherworld. That's when I got the hell out of there." Other accounts support contentions that Mirren intentionally flashed Perez and could be charged with assault with a deadly weapon. "Sure it was intentional. She had one foot on the open door frame and the other behind her head! She may be old but she's certainly limber. And I swear, you could stuff a pound of pot in her twat, put your finger up her ass and smoke her like a bong."
A spokesperson for Homeland Security claims Hilton's camera was seized as a potential weapon of mass destruction and destroyed, just in case he managed to "get a shot or two off". "The world is better off not knowing if Helen has a concealed carry permit for that 357 Magnum in her snatch. Doctors expect Perez to make a full physical recovery, but are skeptical on his mental recovery. "He's been through a tremendous shock," said the attending physician. "I mean, once you upskirt a woman so old she has ectoplasm in her bush, you're pretty much toast."