Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 21 June 2010

image for Amanda Bynes, 24, Announces She is Retiring From Acting - Ah Was Amanda Bynes An Actress?
Amanda Bynes' gynecologist preparing to smear her pap. (Photo courtesy of Charlie Sheen).

KEYSTONE, South Dakota - Amanda Bynes was visiting one of the most well-known attractions in both Dakotas, Mount Rushmore.

She pointed out that she is a huge fan of Theodore Roosevelt. She smiled and remarked, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson, not so much.

Amanda or Mandy, as her gynecologist calls her, said that ever since she was a little girl growing up in Thousand Oaks, California, she has been fascinated with Uncle Teddy as she refers to him.

She said that when she was six, she asked her mother to buy her a Teddy Roosevelt Doll for Christmas. Her mother looked all over Thousand Oaks and could not find one.

Mrs. Bynes said that in desperation she went out an bought a G.I Joe Action Figure Doll and hand painted some little spectacles on him, dressed him up in a suit that she had hand sewn, and wrapped him up and placed him under the Christmas tree.

On Christmas morning Mrs. Bynes said that the look on Amanda's eyes was worth the seven hours it took for her to sew the doll's suit.

When Amanda grew up she hosted a show on the Nickelodeon Network titled All That. Well apparently the show was not all that because it was cancelled after only a few shows had aired.

She next went over to the Condiments Channel and hosted a show called, The Secrets of Cooking With Basil, Oregano, and Cumin.

The show was axed after two episodes. It turned out that Amanda was allergic to condiments and she broke out in pink and purples splotches which completely covered her body.

Next she went into the recording studio and recorded a song that was written for her by Kara DioGuardi and Art Garfunkel. The song was titled, "If I Can't Be Your Best Girl, Then I Don't Wanna Be Diddly Squat."

The song entered Billboard's Top 300 Chart at number 299 and peaked at number 297 four weeks later. Bynes was devastated and so next she decided to go into acting.

She signed to appear in the movie Return To Acme Island. She co-starred with Melissa Rivers, Andy Dick, and Mike "The Cannibal" Tyson.

The film was pulled soon after being released due to the fact that it was an exact copy of Stacatto Monteverdi's 2001 classic Return To Pimple Peninsula. Both films were set in Mosquito Bayou, Louisiana and included songs by Creedence Clearwater Revival.

Another interesting similarity between the two motion pictures was that Andy Dick appeared in both movies in the part of an ugly transvestite prostitute.

In Return To Acme Island he portrayed Hilda Schwartzfeck, 42, and in Return To Pimple Peninsula he played the part of Hilda Piffenpock, 41.

So after the movie was scrapped due to legal reasons Amanda entered into a state of depressed depression. She admitted to her gynecologist that she had failed in the television industry, the music industry, and the movie industry.

He told her that maybe she could pursue a career in radio. She started crying and ran out of his examing room. Unfortunately she had forgotten that the speculum was still in her you-know-what.

There were 17 women (and three husbands) waiting in the waiting room and two of the women went into immediate shock. Later that day Bynes told her hair stylist that she was so embarrassed by that incident that she decided to retire from acting.

In other news. Game wardens in Australia have found a kangaroo that can hop at an amazing 103 mph. They do not know if it is a male or a female yet due to the fact that no one has been able to catch the little shitball.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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