World Cup chiefs have introduced drastic new security measures as South African stadium guards rioted over their poor pay deal. From now on, every fan arriving at matches will be issued with a heavy duty vuvuzela and instructed to keep crazed security workers away from the players. The order was given after stadium personnel clashed with police when they opened their first pay packet and found a tenth of the amount they were expecting.
"England fans are particularly sought after for peacekeeping duties as they come equipped with hidden extras, such as reinforced toecaps and specially sharpened mobile phones" said a press spokesman. "Some of them even have machetes".
The new security system was trialled at the Ivory Coast - Portugal match where there was no rioting, although the vuvuzelas were deployed to keep fans awake. Portuguese winker Ronaldo spent the match polishing the woodwork while Ivory Coast failed to score, despite Didier Drogba saying he could beat the opposition with one hand tied behind his back.
Meanwhile, in a footy fiasco closer to home, ITV has been caught up in yet another scandal. The blundering broadcaster is already under fire for showing ninety minutes of adverts during England's opening game. Now pundit Robbie Earle has been sacked after it was alleged he passed on tickets meant for close family and friends.
"It's all been a huge misunderstanding which will be cleared up shortly" Robbie told our correspondent. "The tickets actually did go to my nearest and dearest. Those 150 Dutch birds in orange miniskirts swigging Bavarian beer happen to be my first cousins".