Britney Spears wannabe Miley Cyrus has been courting notoriety recently, writes Ophelia Ladygarden, Bearded Clam Correspondent.
She has shed the family-friendly bland tween bimbette image created as a platform for her Hannah Montana non-character by Disney Channel chiefs, in favour of the kind of skanky damaged wild-child raunch favoured by Britney. In the ultimate act of imitative flattery, Miley has even managed to impersonate the cybernetic sexuality and robotic randyness of Britney's mechanically amorous anthems with her latest single, I Can't Be Tamed, a catastrophically tuneless tumescent cacophony feebly lurching faux lustily across the world's major Cultural Deserts.
A recent live performance of I Can't Be Tamed on Lundy Island - the only place on British soil ever to have flown an Islamic flag when it was captured by Barbary pirates in the 17th century - saw mechanically-militant Miley plumb new depths of synthetic shock-horror, as she gyrated and cavorted in a green corset and fishnets like a Prom Queen apeing Lady Ga Ga.
And there's the rub - for neo-Madonna exhibitionist Lady Ga Ga is famous for displaying her unmentionables during her performances, and Miley did not let the opportunity to follow suit pass her by on the normally notoriety-free Bristol Channel island. Her pea-green corset left little to the imagination as she postured pelvically, and thus was born the Miley Cyrus Vagina Obsession that has become something of an opium for the people in these times of economic stricture.
The Miley Madness that has snatched the sense away from hitherto sensible people and is on the lips of every trash culture vulture may be a load of gash mainly lapped up - as a furry pet pussy laps its milk - by perverted mindless Mileymaniacs lustfully leering in the hope of seeing a picture of Miley's perpetually pubic persona. But it seems that the vaginal virus has infected ever-more unlikely sections of our salivating society.
For now a genteel Brass-Rubbing Group has fallen prey to the Miley mayhem. The Broadwoodwidger Brass Rubbers, like many others, love to place sheets of paper over a brass monument and rub crayons over it, to create an image of the monument for posterity.
In recent times, because Brass Rubbers have done so much rubbing, many monuments are threatened with damage, and so - to prevent the famous monuments of Britain being rubbed away - replicas have been created and are now housed in many Brass Rubbing Centres, to which enthusiasts flock, there to practise their art on the mock monuments free of the fear of erasing the delicate originals. Much-frequented Brass Rubbing Centres can be found at Crabber's Gusset, near Farcle, Norfolk, Flapps End in Judderdale, Yorkshire, and Chuffleigh Blympton near Chuntsford, Dorset.
The Broadwoodwidger Brass Rubbers have visited all these and many more, in search of erasure-fear free frottage fun, without becoming sucked into the Miley Cyrus vagina vortex. Until now.
For the Broadwoodwidger Brass Rubbers, in an effort to garner new blood into their rubbing ranks, have been updating their list of monuments. No longer confined to dusty old ecclesiastical brasses, their activities have more recently encompassed modern monumental models. They have been rubbing such objets d'art as modern sculptures and famous waxworks.
And it was when one of the Broadwoodwidger members - Bert Todger from the nearby hamlet of Jisholm - was on holiday in the USA and went too far in the pursuit of brass rubbing excitement, that Brass Rubbing became entangled in the Miley Cyrus vagina virus.
Naughty Bert was caught, at Disneyland, taking a rubbing of Miley's groin. He was rubbing the green-corseted crotch on a special life-size model of Miley performing at Lundy Island.
This caused a furore, which has threatened to scandalise the previously-blameless Brass Rubbing fraternity, since Disney did not want to see Miley's vagina - their latest cash cow - get rubbed away.
Bert Todger's attempts to take a rubbing of the all-too-apparent green-corseted cuntly contours of the Miley mannikin alarmed the authorities.
But Broadwoodwidger Brass Rubbers are renowned throughout the Torridge area of Devon for their unflappability and skill at boxing clever in just such a clitoral crisis as this. Bert was on the phone to group treasurer Arthur Dryhumper in no time, and a crumpet compromise was completed and the controversy was cuntained.
So now the Brass Rubbing Centre at Magpie's Nest, Mount Pleasant, Yawne, Somerset has a brassy brand-new modern mock-monument.
A Miley Cyrus Can't Be Tamed Contoured Corseted Crotch. Truly, those Broadwoodwidger Boys have snatched a cunny-ing climax from the jaws of defeat!