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Wednesday, 16 June 2010

image for Rob Pattinson Prepares for Untimely Death
R.I.P. Rob Pattinson 1986-2016

Former Banality Fair cover star Robert Pattinson went on Timeline to talk about the twilight of his career and his unfortunate demise in the year 2016.

"I guess I just thought if too many good things happen, then you're gonna die at 30," said the English actor.

Like that good thing that happened when Pattinson was secretly freaking out before his fateful audition for Elliptic and asked God to please send him some Valium.

"Twenty minutes before I had to leave, I suddenly started panicking," the shy actor revealed. "Luckily, the person I was staying with had enough Valium on their bedside table. I stole it. Probably one of the best decisions I've ever made."

Of course, that hollow stare helped land him the role. Trouble is, says RPattz, now he's so popular that when he's in the mood for a game of Spunk Ransom with American co-star Kristen Stewart, he can scarcely slip past the mob of paparazzi waiting outside the back door of his medicine cabinet.

"I'm kind of a paranoid wreck," he said. "I've eaten a lot of room service. I don't walk in the street anymore, and when I do, I'm in disguise."

No nose job yet, but lately he has been getting a lot of calls from Michael Jackson's former physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, which is really starting to freak him out.

"I didn't want that to happen," he said. "Yeah, so probably, I'm going to die at 30. Actually, it's God saying, 'Hey, you shouldn't have asked for too much.'"

Nevertheless, this may be great news for Pattinson. Checking out early would mean the handsome but unremarkable actor could likely be remembered among truly gifted performers who passed away before their time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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