Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 17 June 2010

image for The Dixie Chicks Are Back And On Tour With The Eagles And Sisters Martie and Emily Say That Lead Singer Natalie Will Be Keeping Her Effen Mouth Shut This Time!
Natalie Maines' mouth which her two fellow Dixie Chicks say better be open ONLY when she's singing.

TORONTO - When the Dixie Chicks opened up for The Eagles in Toronto's Yellow Icicles Convention Center, it was the first time they had taken the concert stage in four years.

The DCs had kind of been keeping a low profile ever since lead singer Natalie Maines had made her remark about President Dubya Bush being nothing but a drug store cowboy, and of being all horse no cattle, and of having the diction of a four-year-old from Alaska.

Maines, the short little blonde singer, whose hairdo is now even shorter than Phil Collins' hair, said she had no idea that three little remarks would set off such a fire storm.

She revealed that when she made those remarks she was just thinking that no one would really say anything about it. She said that she had also made similar remarks in the past about Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, Texas Governor Rick Perry, and Mary Kay Ash, of Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Natalie, who has always had a weight problem, said that after her remarks, the band members received over 20,000 hate letter, emails, text messages, and even two hate sky banners.

She said that people called her every name in the book from fat asshole to fat whore mouth. Nat, as her hair stylist calls her, said that one Hispanic lady emailed her calling her una hija de una chingada puta*, which she said she has no idea what it means since she doesn't know any Spanish speaking people.

Once the chicks found out that they were going to be going on tour with The Eagles, Martie Maguire and Emily Robison both sat Natalie down, and had a good long talk with her.

Emily grabbed Natalie around her collar and told her in no uncertain terms that she was not to make any type of political comment whatsoever.

"Shorty" as the two sisters call Maines behind her very ample back, was told that all she has to do is shut up and sing. Martie informed her that no ones gives a damn if she is a Demorcrat or Republican, Protestant or Catholic, vegetarian or meat eater, or if she likes it missionary style or doggy style.

Maguire even went as far as to tell her that if she dared to say anything that was not musically oriented both sisters would take her out to their band bus, take off all of her clothes, and proceed to whip the hell out of her with a belt that had been given to them by Wynonna Judd.

And then afterwards, they would shave her pubic region, take a Sharpie Pen, and write "Condemned - Keep Out!"

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I have seen pictures of the belt on the Internet and let me say that the sucker is one damn big wide belt.]

*A daughter of a damn whore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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