Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 11 June 2010

image for NBA Game #4: Anita Baker Sang The Worst Rendition of The Star Spangled Banner In History
This is the official Boston Celtics ball that was given to Ms. Baker. (NOTE: It was taken back after the song).

BOSTON - Anita Baker sang the Star Spangled Banner at the start of game four of the NBA Finals between The Los Angeles Lakers and The Boston Celtics.

After she was finished singing The National Anthem only 17 people clapped.

Baker, who has won eight Grammies, sang what is without a doubt, the worst rendition of the National Anthem in the history of National Anthem singing.

Even people like William Hung, Tatiana Del Toro, Woody Allen, and Grandma Lee who were absolutely horrible sounded fantastic compared to Anita "What Da Eff Was Dat" Baker.

Boston Celtics player Ray Allen said that he counted the notes and out of a total of 11,591 notes, Baker managed to eff up 11,587 of them.

She did hit four notes correctly, but my mistake no doubt.

Someone asked if maybe she was on medication. Her manager "Porky" Wooldust said that she was not. Someone asked if she had been, possibly drinking prior to singing the song. "Porky" replied that she had not.

Someone then asked, "Will then please tell us "Porky" what da hell was wrong with Ms. Baker? Alley cats scratching and kicking each others ass at three in da morning sound ten times better than da off-key, pitchy bitch did."

Wooldust just shook his head. He had no idea what to say. He finally smiled and said "Ah, lemmy see. Da problem was not wiff Ms. Baker. Ah...da problem it be'ss wiff da arena sound system. Yeah - dat be it.

Da problem it wuzz da speakers, and da microphone, and da electrical cords and shit dat caused da problem. Ms. Baker she be singin' just as pretty as she always be singin' and shit."

A spokesperson for the Boston Celtics organization said that 43 people had to be treated at the arena infirmary for ear problems, acute musical trauma, and first degree diarrhea stemming from the horrendously horrible out of tune rendition.

Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers was laughing throughout the song rendition. Afterward he said that if American Idol's Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson had heard Miss Anita he would have said, "Dammit yo, yo, yo, yo. Sista dat there has got's ta be da pitchiest, ugliest, damn singing dat I has ev'r heard.

Goodness, it was so awful dat I damn done went and peed in my pants. Da mother effen shrieking notes dat came from yo black vocal cords, and out of yo black mouth, and passed through yo black lips went straight ta my bladder and activated my pissing mechanism I just be sayin' fa shizzle my nizzle."

Another Laker, Paul Gasol, who is from Spain, turned to his fellow starters and asked, "Chingow, what da fluck was dat amigos?"

Boston Celtics star Kevin Garnett looked at teammate Paul Pierce and said, "Pauly, der just ain't no way in hell dat da woman is a negro. No friggin way. Dat bitch has got ta be Puerto Rican, or Costa Rican, or some other third Latin American country skank ho cause she ain't no black singing sista like da black singing sista's dat I knows."

Pierce shook his head and said, "Hey Kev, maybe da bitch is Pakistani."

The Boston Celtics recovered from the traumatizing experience and came back to win the game tying up the championship series at two games to two.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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