Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: writers, kansas

Monday, 14 March 2005

image for Disgruntled Hallmark Employees Start Anti-Hallmark Card Company
One of the Cards from the New Anti-Hallmark LIne

Kansas City, MO--Enraged and exhausted by the endless task of trying to find something positive to say in a card format about every occasion, several highly talented writers and artists who have worked at Hallmark for a combined total of 120 years have left the giant card company to form their own "anti-Hallmark" card company.

The new company is based in New York City. All employees are required to wear black, be dour, and complain.

"Basically, we're taking the opposite approach for every sentiment that Hallmark has advocated," said the lead writer.

"After 30 years of evoking happiness and forgiveness and celebrating everyone from grandmothers to administrative assistants, we're ready to tell the truth about how we feel and let it all hang out," added the lead artist.

Here are some of the initial offerings in the Anti-Hallmark product line. Topics include the areas of unrequited love, heartbreak, bad breath, germs, obesity, and more. The company encourages submissions from freelance writers and artists.

Need something for an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who's a smart cookie in terms of books but who has repeatedly broken your heart with emotional stupidity?

Here's Your Tagline, Babe....

*******************
Intellectually Adept. Emotionally Inept.

Tired of the co-worker who's always coming to work with a cold?

I'm impressed that you speak another language so well...
***************************
But please just stay at home and speak Phlegmish to yourself and stop infecting everyone else!

Sick of holding your breath when someone with bad breath approaches you?

Accept it.
*************************************
You have bad breath. Now change it.

Pissed off that someone you know ignored you at the supermarket/library/car wash?

I saw you. You saw me. You're supposed to say hi.
****************************************
Let's agree to ignore each other forevermore.

Can't remember whom you are supposed to be acknowledging/celebtrating/thinking of on any given day?

I know I'm supposed to send you a card today...
*************************************************
I don't know why. I don't care why. If you don't like it, tough.

Tired of accepting road rage?

I don't know your name, but you tailgated me for three miles on the interstate.
**********************************************
If you ever do that again, you're in a big trouble.

See the accompanying card for the dry cleaner who has ruined one too many items of your clothing...

I've decided not to patronize your establishment anymore...
************************************************
You've ruined so many of my clothes I'm just wearing sheets from now on...

And finally, for husbands and wives tired of hearing their spouses ask, "Do I look fat?"

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
*************************************************
YOU LOOK FAT. FAT. VERY VERY FAAAAAAAT.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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