Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for Britney Spears' Accused of Molesting Her Long Time Bodyguard
A photo of Britney, her niece Sissy, and her ex-bodyguard Fernando Flores.

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Long time Britney Spears bodyguard Fernando Flores, 57, [pronounced FLOWERS] is claiming that the blonde songstress made unwelcome advances and unwanted come on's towards him while the two were alone.

Flores, who insists that he is not gay, said that he just did not feel right sitting around watching reruns of The Wheel of Fortune with Ms. Spears who was most of the time dressed in nothing more than a Timex watch.

He went on to say that yes it is true that at times he was also somewhat naked but that was only because he was merely following her instructions and the bottom line was that he was the employee and she was the employer.

Fernando, who has now been bestowed with the nickname of 'El Estupido' by his neighborhood 'homies' (home boys) said that it's not that he did not want to engage in 'hiding the chorizo (sausage)' with Britty, as he called her, it's just that he was afraid of him not being that good and getting fired.

Fernie, as Britney called him, said that in the swangfroid (wienie) department his bibbidy boo tends to be more along the size of Jon Gosselin's or Sean Penn's instead of like Ron Jeremy's or Charlie Sheen's.

Flores has stated for the record that this type of thing did not happen when he was employed as a bodyguard for Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, Chely Wright, or even Clay Aiken, and 'Clayken' was as gay as Elton John, except only not as old, fat, or rich.

Fernando says that he has retained the legal services of noted Left Coast molestation attorney Gloria Allred who has agreed to take his case for 60 percent of the settlement.

SIDENOTE: Flores who is presently unemployed regrets the fact that he will no longer be receiving the $10,000 Christmas bonus that Britney gave him each year, or the dozens of free 'front row' concert tickets, or the boxes of personally autographed underwear.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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