Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for The CMT Music Awards: Kid Rock and Carrie Underwood Steal The Show
The Deepcavern twins, Stella (L) and Stephanie (R) won "The Award For Most Popular Country Music Groupies."

NASHVILLE - This years edition of the Country Music Television Music Award Show had more surprises than usual.

Detroit resident Kid Rock, who is about as country as the good sisters from The Bunny Fufu Nuns Rectory in Boston are pole dancers showed that he can hang with the good ol' country boys.

Kid Rock did manage to break the record for "Bleeps" with an as yet unofficial spewing of 173 expletives. Even good ol' boy Toby Keith, who has performed in more whorehouses than anyone in country music had to tell the 'Kid" to take it down a notch before he found his (Toby's) size 13 Tony Lama Boot shoved about halfway up his 'tailpipe.'

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Rock did not get it, but Keith was alluding to an automotive part that is indigenous to the Detroit area.]

Little ol' Oklahoma cutey and American Idol winner, Carrie Underwood, again walked away with a whole basketful of awards. Along with winning "Video of The Year," Carrie also won the award for "The Best Legs In Country Music," "The Prettiest Smack-Dabbing Lips in America (upper category), and for being "The Female We'd Most Like To See Milking a Dairy Cow."

The "Hickiest Hick Award" once again went to another American Idol alumni Kellie Pickler. When she ran up on stage she almost tripped revealing a nice looking pair of blue gingham panties, which she later said had been a good luck gift from Simon "The Sultan of Sarcasm" Cowell.

Pickler told the Nashville audience that she was thrilled to win and that she was feeling as happy as a puppy with two wieners.

The CMT Music Award for "The Silliest Lookin' and Way Too Big For His Head Hat Award" was won by the baldheaded Kenny Chesney.

Kenny went up and stage and apologized for not wearing his customary white T-shirt. He said that he had gone drinking last night with Tug McGraw and Toby Keith and one of them, he does not remember which one, threw up on it. He said that he felt embarrassed at having to borrow one of Gretchen Wilson's tank tops.

And "The Country Singer With The Blankest Stare Award" went to Australia's Keith Urban. Urban, who is the spaced-out looking, short husband of actress Nicole Kidman said that he is so proud to have received this award for the fifth or third time in a row.

An interpreter had to interpret his words as Urban chose to make his acceptance speech in his native Australian.

Reba McEntire, the Oklahoma skank, as the Dixie Chicks call her, took home "The Oldest Country Music Artist Who Amazingly As Hell Is Still Performing Award."

Reba said that she was proud to get this award and said that she has just surpassed Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton who won this award seven times each.

And no one was surprised to see that Toby Keith captured the highly coveted, "Award For Grungiest Appearance."

Kid Rock said that he overheard Hank Williams, Jr. backstage telling Taylor Swift that he feels like he has been robbed since most people know, just by looking, that when it comes to grunge, grime, or gunk, that Hanky Jr., has it pretty much sewed up.

And speaking of Taylor Swift. The little 19-year-old from Pennsylvania did not win anything. A well-known Dancing With The Stars dancer, who did not want his name mentioned said that he saw Taylor backstage crying in the arms of her Costa Rican drummer Paco Platanos.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy stated that Paco reportedly kept saying, "Tay-lerr, ease okay ju no win nuzzing. Ju already hab too many awards dat der ease not too mush room left in dee bus for me and dee udder band boys thank ju."

And in the final award of the night. The Deepcavern twins, Stella and Stephanie won "The Award For Most Popular Country Music Groupies."

Kid Rock, Carrie Underwood, Rascal Flatts, the Deepcavern Twins, and Kate Gosselin closed out the show by singing a wonderful medley of the hits of the most famous sidekick in the history of Old West movies, Gabby Hayes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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