Middle East - The Road to Doncastrus, (twinned with Wakefield for obvious reasons)
Strange breaking news from the road to Doncastrus today as three singing divas disguised as nuns in order to confuse curious camels, were hitch-hiking to a special TV recording of Dickinson's Real Deal, the crap ITV answer to the Antiques Roadshow.
Miley Cyrus, Cheryl Cole, and Whitney Houston were hoping to present a relic to antique experts Mike Melody and the slightly effete one with the fake tan and the unbuttoned shirt. Hoping for a good offer on the table so as to avoid going to auction and paying commission.
The relic, reputedly the coccyx (arse bone) of Saint Trevor, the patron saint of odd job men had been independently valued at £193, but the divas were determined to stick out for a bit more.
"It's not every day you get the arse bone of a bona fide saint on Dickinson's Real Deal. When I first saw it, I was like, wow, like this is just..." said Miley Cyrus before our reporter studiously ignored her inane ramblings.
It's since been revealed that as the trio hitch-hiked south from Jerusalem they encountered singing Disney actress Selena Gomez, whose pubic hair spontaneously burst into flames. Reports claimed that a god like figure emerged from Selena Gomez's burning bush and gave the trio of divas a revelation.
Apparently it told Miley to shut her blinking trap for a change and give her arse half a chance, Cheryl to move on and not marry any more footballers, and Whitney to stop trying to hit the high notes on 'I Will Always Love You' unless she was miming.
Rumour has it among local nomadic goatherds that to follow the sage advice of Selena Gomez's burning bush guarantees future happiness and a lifetime of tranquility.
The divas were said to be considering it as they accepted a lift in a dusty Dodge pick-up in their quest to get a real deal on the Holy arse bone.
Cheryl Cole has not shrunk in the searing desert heat and is still apparently 5'3"
More as we get it.