Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 8 June 2010

image for The Real Reason White House Press Correspondent Helen Thomas Was Forced To Resign
A photo of Helen Thomas taken back when she was dating President Grover Cleveland.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Senior White House press correspondent Helen Thomas has been forced to resign a position she has held going all the way back to the Abraham Lincoln administration.

Helen, who was given the nickname "The Jack-O-Lantern" by President Bush, the one who concocted the cockamamie story about the weapons of mass destruction, has put her foot in her mouth dozens of times.

Her latest faux paus was when she told Rabbi Moshe Myron Nippowitz, III, that the Israeli Jews all need to start behaving like the nice Cuban-Americans and go back to Miami Beach where they belong.

Helen of "Oy" once called President Ronald Reagan a sidesaddle riding celluloid drugstore cowboy who was phonetically taught how to say the Old West cliche, yippie ki yey by old Hopalong Cassidy's sidekick Gabby Hayes.

Thomas referred to President Richard Nixon as "Pricky Dicky" and once said that the reason why President Jimmy Carter talked so slow was not because he was from Georgia, but because each morning he would gargle with peanut butter.

And the presidential "First Ladies" were not off limits to "The Jack-O-Lantern." Thomas once said that she could literally smell Betty Ford coming from 100 yards away.

She said that Jackie Kennedy was virtually perfect in every sense except for her inverted nipples, which she later had surgically uninverted (at the American taxpayers expense).

Jackie later wrote out a check to the American taxpayers for $65 (remember it was 1961).

Helen once said of President Lyndon Johnson that he and his wife Lady Bird, were perhaps the most unattractive presidential couple to occupy the White House since Woodrow and Ling Chow Wilson.

"La Vieja Loca" (The Crazy Lady) as the White House Hispanic employees refer to Thomas was the very first White House correspondent to learn about Marilyn Monroe visiting the White House when John Kennedy was the president.

Thomas said that on one occasion she had her ear to the presidential bedroom door and she clearly heard Monroe yell out "Turn on the lights Johnny, damn there has got to be two of ya in here!"

Kennedy was the president who assigned the center front row seat to Helen. He said that he got tired of just being able to see her from her forehead up. An unnamed source says that once JFK got a closer look at Thomas he regretted making that decision.

In fact, George Bush II, once got so physically ill from looking at Helen that for the next press conference he told the secret service agents to seat her in the very back row, by the men's bathroom door.

Thomas told them that she would not sit back there. The word got back to Bushy and he instructed the agents to handcuff her to the damn mother effen chair.

"The Jack-O-Lantern" was once asked which of all the 28 presidents that she served under did she like the best. Thomas instantly got a bright glow about her. Her hands started shaking and she touched herself on her (blank).

Thomas replied, "Oh that's an easy one. My favorite president of all was Billy Clinton."

She was asked to explain. She said that she would rather not.

Helen was asked again and once again she declined. When told that a call would be made to Larry King and he would provide the answer Helen relented.

She said that she liked Clinton the best because he was the only president who when he would meet her walking down the hall would pat her affectionately on her ass.

Helen said that Billy boy was so nice and that he made her feel very special, kinda like she was still "doable."

Thomas was asked if the reason she had decided to resign was because of her Miami Beach Jewish comment. She answered that it was not the reason.

Helen Thomas took a drink of her Corona Light Beer and said that she did not resign on her own and that she was forced to resign. She was asked by whom and why.

"The Jack-O-Lantern replied, "Brobama, or rather President Obama sent me a text message telling me that he wanted me to resign immediately. I texted him back asking why. He called me and instructed me to meet him in the Oval office.

When Helen walked in the president and the "First Mama" Michelle Obama were sitting on the Ulysses S. Grant Commemorative Civil War sofa.

The president was looking at The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. The first lady was checking Malia and Sasha's homework.

Michelle put the homework down and told Helen to have a seat. Thomas started for the presidents seat. "No Helen, sit over there on the wicker chair by the pretzel bowl."

The first lady told her that the reason they were asking her to resign was because she (Helen) and her husband (the president) share the same birth date, August 4.

Michelle told Helen that due to the ongoing mess with the damn Gulf of Mexico oil spill, the continuing runaway inflation, his popularity numbers dropping down from 98 percent approval to 93 percent approval, and the bullshit over in Arizona, they did not want to detract from putting the spotlight on him.

She said that they have a White House Good Light Committee working on focusing on nothing but good things to make the president look good.

Michelle said that one excellent focal point will be the huge 49th birthday celebration that they are planning for the president.

She added that they will have a presidential birthday party bash like no one has ever seen. The total cost will be somewhere in the neighborhood of $3.8 million, which is being paid entirely by cash donations from Oprah Winfrey, Beyonce, Snoop Dogg, Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson, and The Boston Celtics.

Mrs. Obama said that the featured performers will be Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Usher, 50 Cent, and one of the most popular up and coming non-American hip hop rap bands Camel Carl & The Desert Rag Headz.

The Saudi Arabian hip hoppers played at the White House for "The First Mama's Mother's Day Party" on May 9 and Oprah Winfrey liked them so much that she invited them to play at a special surprise birthday party for her BFF Gayle King on August 21.

SIDENOTE: Helen "The Jack-O-Lantern" Thomas was asked by Michelle Obama if now that she is unemployed if she plans on returning to her native Lebanon. "Lebanon?" Thomas replied, "I was born in Winchester, Kentucky bitch! Where da hell did you get this Lebanon shit?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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