Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 7 June 2010

image for Kate Plus 8 : Kate Returns And Takes The Kids To Sea Cove Where She Gets Bit By A Penguin
Kate showing off her $7,000 hair extensions. (Photo courtesy of Tony Dovolani).

READING, Pennsylvania - After having her reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8 cancelled, divorcing Jon, and making a complete fool of herself on Dancing With The Stars, Kate Gosselin, alias King Kate is back, $7,000 hair extensions and all.

And that includes an even larger diva ego, a first rate prima donna head, and an "I'm Kate Gosselin and I can do whatever the hell I want" attitude.

Her new show is entitled Kate Plus 8. The producers did nix the name Kate had picked out, Kate The Great Plus 8, as being a wee bit too conceited, self-centered, and bitchyesque.

In the first installment we see Kate and Tony Dovolani practicing their dance routines. Tony has got to be one of the most patient men in America. Ms. Gosselin is about as graceful as Kirstie Alley is anorexic.

The poor mama of "ocho" appears to not only have two left feet, but two left ears, two left buns, and two left tits as well.

Kate said that she hated every single moment that she was on DWTS. She was asked what in the world would possess her to put herself in such a ridiculously embarrassing situation. She smiled, raised her eyebrows and replied, "Oh...let me see. Oh yes. $500,000."

Mama Gosselin was paid half a million dollars to appear on Dancing With The Stars. She lasted five weeks before she was eliminated under the shows' Embarrassment Clause."

So lets see. Doing simple math. Half a million dollars divided by 5 comes out to $100,000 per week. And breaking it down even farther - basing that on a 40 hour work week. "Graceless" Kate was making $2,500 an hour!

So it is no wonder that for the sextuplets sixth birthday Kate was able to buy them three piƱatas. One was shaped like a Florida orange. One was shaped like a Florida grapefruit. And the third one was shaped like a short little South Korean dude (Jon Gosselin).

Kate thought it was cute. When asked what the kids thought she said that they said that it really did not look like their daddy because his eyes are much more slanted.

Mama Gosselin and the eight kids flew down to Orlando, Florida. Kate took the kids to Sea Cove where they had a great time except for Alexis who threw up and had to go back to the hotel.

The rest of the kids got to put on bathing suits and get into the 'petting pond' where they petted sting rays, manta rays, jellyfish, lobsters, oysters, shrimp, an octopus, and a great white killer shark whose teeth had all been removed.

All of the camera crew admitted that Kate looked positively fantastic in her black bikini swimsuit, which they all agreed looked like it was two sizes too small.

Kate was thrilled to be strutting her 'stuff' and the Sea Cove male employees, along with three lesbian employees were snapping photos with their cell phones at the rate of 48 a minute.

All of the kids, except for Alexis who was back at the hotel watching reruns of Jon and Kate Plus 8, enjoyed riding on the manta rays, the toothless great white killer shark, and some porpoises.

In fact, Kate liked the porpoises so much that she asked if she could buy two and take them back to her home in Pennsylvania. The theme park director said that he would sell her a male and female pair for $12,000.

Just as Kate and the kids were getting ready to leave the aquatic park a little penguin snuck up behind Kate and bit her on the back of her left calf. Gosselin screamed and a park security guard quickly drew his pistol. He fired several shots at the penguin but every shot missed.

The penguin jumped into the water and swam out to the middle of the huge lagoon.

Kate was taken to the infirmary where her little superficial bite was treated with Neosporin and then covered up with a Shrek band-aid.

SIDENOTE: Next week Kate takes her eight kids to the medical clinic to get their shots for chicken pox, mumps, measles, and diarrhea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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