Hicksville, GA - The hottest item to hit Wal-Mart stores this summer is the Simon Cowell brand V-Neck T-Shirt that comes in a package with Simon Cowell's own signature across the front. The stores can't keep them in stock. They sell for $5 each or a two-pack for $9 and they are flying off the shelves.
The fact that the t-shirts only come in extra small, small and medium doesn't seem to be making a difference on who is buying them. "We been seein' men with big ol' beer bellies buyin' the danged things," said one cashier. "I guess in this case, the tighter the better. Mostly women are buying them for their fellas." The t-shirts come in only two colors, white and black.
Employees in the men's clothing section of Wal-Mart can't believe how popular the t-shirts are. "Why jest yestidee, I had me a couple peoples fightin' over the last package an' I hadda break 'em up fore they kilt each other. Although, I hafta admit, I was getting' a kick outta the woman who was beatin' the tar outta that little feller."
Buyers for Wal-Mart claim they saw the t-shirts in a catalogue last spring which claimed it was the "real deal" and promised to be a hot seller in markets whose customers regularly went for "celebrity chic." Wal-Mart is said to have been looking to find an alternative clothing line to the raunchy Lindsay Lohan collection which bombed last fall. "That kinda thing just doesn't float here in the Bible Belt," claimed one buyer.
Store manager, Paul deWhipple, who was actually wearing a white Simon Cowell v-neck t-shirt beneath his suit coat, summed it up like this. "In these here parts, we don't have much chance a getting' famous or nuthin' so we jest like to pertend. Besides, these tight fittin' v-necks really make the women in town go nuts. If Ima lyin' Ima dyin."
Wal-Mart, expecting to cater to the older women's market is said to be negotiating a "Susan Boyle Church Dress" line in the very near future.