Written by Morse
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Monday, 7 June 2010

image for Kate Gosselin and Joran van der Sloot Tapped for Tarantino Remake of 'Death be not Proud!'
Tarantino Waits for Blood to be cleaned up before another take of final scene that leaves audience cheering the villian!

Follywood is abuzz with the electric news that Master of Gore, Quentin Tarintino has cast Kate Gosselin and Joran van der Sloot as the leads in the remake of John Gunther's heroic novel "Death Be Not Proud' along with his promise of a new and horrifying ending.

The novel,based on a poem by John Donne, details the life of a young sociopath serial killer struggling with inner demons threatening to possess his soul after a mysterious virus enters his body when he ingests the worm at the bottom of a bottle of imported tequila while on holiday in Aruba.

The movie is a heart rendering account of a normal teenager with raging hormones as he discovers his magnetic personality and ability to rhumba
acts as an irresistable aphrodisiac to a horde of thong wearing American Tourists whose parents should have known better.

According to a critic who has seen the first rushes, the film opens with a ritualistic blood letting on a remote beach in the tropics where a half naked van der Sloot reads from a poetry book while standing over an open grave
as he intones:

"DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me."

The erie opening only hints at the portents of evil to come as Joran , thanks to the money and privilege of his parents, takes off on an odyssey of self indulgence, narcissism and hubris, which takes him deeper into the darkness of death, but luckily , due to affirmative action, not into the Democratic Primary for the Presidency.

Just as things look like they can't get any worse, Quentin, in a bizarre twist, introduces Gosselin as a single mother of eight who is down on her luck after realizing that her career as a reality star has run it's course and she may have to put the kids up for adoption and get a real job.

Gosselin's depression takes her to Mexico when she hears there is a $100,000 prize for the national rhumba contest, and despite her lack of rhythm and being tone deaf, she manages to hook up with Joran in a chance meeting at a Burrito Bar in Rancho Dos Putas.

The film, in true Tarantino style, flashes between sweaty practice sessions in an abandoned taco factory, to surreal episodes of more killing by Joran as he seduces , than dispatches his victims.

While the audience is left cringing at the horrific scenes of betrayal, one can palpably feel the switch of allegiance to Joran as his relationship with Kate begins to develop and her real personality emerges as a manipulating, self serving witch with an agenda to rival Joran's. In one scene shot in the kitchen of her apartment, she seems totally self absorbed as she describes to Joran in great detail the short comings of her former husband's Jon's diminutive penis
as she violently peels a cucumber with a utility knife.

Without revealing the chilling ending of this latter day morality play, I can only say, you too will be on your feet cheering Joran on as this tour de force
reaches its dramatic crescendo!

Tarantino, as usual is unsparing in his graphic violence which he uses to unabashedly point out the decay in today's society.

There is one line that will go down in history along side such classics as:

*'Are you talking to me?"

*Truth, You can't handle the Truth!"

*Go ahead, make my day!"

The soon to be famous line is Joran, his face cast in shadow wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt, baggy silk shorts and a pair of designer sandals, siding up to a blonde in a beach bar and whispering in her ear: Hey, Babe....wanna Dance?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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