American Idol, American's answer to the War of 1812, is slated for the shute after this season as Simon hits the streets, jobless as the rest of us. This spells disaster for the show, according to Reality TV expert Ivga Fakeboobs of Idol Season 2 fame, best remembered for when her prosthetic mammaries exploded as she hit a high note during finals and held it until dogs howled.
"People don't want to hear a wussy lesbo telling them they're doing a great job and are sweet kids," spat Ivga, "They don't tune in for that shit. They want Simon and they want to hear Simon be the same vicious bastard that two continents have come to love.
"Without Simon, frankly, the show's a wash. Lousy acts, phony contracts, all that stupid fake suspense of alleged phone calls versus the reality of backroom betting and deal-making....it's all shit without Simon.
"Simon's the nasty pedigree dog you love to show off and no one dares criticize, even when it poos on their shoes and humps their legs. Simon IS Idol.
"Losing Paula Abdul was bad enough, and who's idea was it to replace her with a namby-pamby lezzie anyhow, but Idol will fall faster than Lenin's statues after Stalin took over the USSR - it'll be a trainwreck. " concluded the largebreasted, longwinded expert of mixed metaphor.
Simon's publicists were unavailable for comment, possibly out scouting writers for yet another banal TV offering in which the talentless are tongue-lashed by a panel of TV's least tasteful.
Paula Abdul hasn't had a recording contract in years and, in the wake of the worldwide Susan Boyle fan zombielike CD-buying phenomenon, is considering entering Britian's Got Talent, while using a phoney Welsh accent.