The renowned media-mogul Simon Cowell is considering a personal intervention in the Gulf oil crisis. He is thought to be negotiating with God for a cast iron, copper-bottomed guarantee of success, otherwise the deal is off.
Cowell's spokesperson said he has been pressing the almighty for several days, in intense negotiation sessions lasting up to 8 hours at a time. Cowell is said to be furious at Yahweh's reluctance to provide divine assistance, supposedly threatening to remove God's shareholdings and voting rights in Cowell's multi-billion dollar media company.
The prince of darkness, Cowell's other main sponsor, is said to be baffled and upset at Cowell's reticence to deal with him. Cowell is thought to have already spurned one offer of assistance and wants no further dealings with the lucifer. Talks are ongoing but Cowell refuses to compromise. "Only the big guy can solve this one", he remarked earlier this week.
Meanwhile plans continue for Cowell's worldwide "X-Factor Talented Pop Idol Mega Mania Content Thrust Mashup". Tickets are already selling like hotcakes at £80 (120 USD) a piece. Cowell is reportedly in talks with Michael Jackson and Elvis to perform live for one night only. To make this happen, Cowell is hoping to set up a deal between his two main backers, although critics claim no such deal can be brokered. An independent commission has been set up to oversee the entire process should it prove successful. It seems unlikely to go ahead at this stage, given the lack of a historical precedent for such a collaboration, although Cowell himself remains optimistic.