HOLLYWOOD - The stars of the new vampire motion picture, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, but under the condition that she would not ask them any personal questions about their romantic involvement.
The Queen of Chicago agreed. Her first question was to Kristen. She asked her why she did not spell her name Christian like it is spelled in the Bible.
Stewart appeared somewhat taken aback with the question. But she composed her self and asked Winfrey, "Well do tell Miss Winfrey why do you not spell your first name Opera like the popular musical presentation?"
Winfrey replied, "Cause me name be Oprah with an r-a-h dat be why."
Kristen and Robert laughed. Then Kristen replied, "Oh I see's where ya be comin' from girlfriend girl you silly big old fa shizzle my nizzle you."
Opera looked stunned and asked Miss Stewart if she was making fun of the fact that she is an African-American. Kristen countered by saying that she had not really noticed where the heck she was from.
Pattinson jumped in and told Winfrey that his favorite color is blue. Winfred asked "And just who da hell axed you anyways honkie boy?"
Kristen chimed in telling Oprah that they did not come on her show to engage her in a tit-for-tat exercise. Winfrey grinned and said, that she was certain of that because judging by Miss Kristen's tits and Miss Oprah's tits, it would certainly be, as they say in baseball, 'a blow out.'
Robert told Winfrey that at least Kristen's were real. Oprah asked him what he meant by that. He told her that Kristen's titties were not store bought like someone's he knows.
Winfrey stood up on the couch, ala Tom Cruise, jumped up and down like a masculine Richard Simmons and said that nothing on her body was store bought.
"Not even your teeth?" Kris asked.
"Well okay, maybe my teeth, but da suckers be in my mouth and not on my body bitch."
Stewart asked her to please refrain from using nasty, vulgar language otherwise she would be forced to do the same exact thing and call her names such as a big, fat, lump of coal; a gigantic, over sized crow; or possibly even a great humongous mother effen plum.
Winfrey was so upset she went to an unscheduled commercial.
When she returned she told her audience that Kristen wanted to apologize to her and to them for acting like some skanky, white trash Courtney "Mother Effen" Love bitch.
Kristen said that she would not apologize and for her to start asking her and Robby some questions about their new movie.
Oprah smiled and said that, that was a splendid idea.
"Tell me Robby" she asked. Any interesting behind-the-scene tidbits you can tell us about?"
"Sure," he replied, "but first of all what the hell is a tidbit?"
She explained it to him and he said that on the first day of shooting on location up in Seattle, he accidentally walked into co-star Taylor Lautner's trailer and found him on his couch with two semi-naked females who looked a lot like Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson.
When asked what made him think that one was LiLo and the other one was SamRon he replied, "Because the tall rather girlish looking one had a ton of freckles and was wearing some kind of electronic ankle bracelet around her ankle.
He then pointed out that the other one, the little funky looking one looked like she could pass for one of the ugliest boys he had ever seen.
Kristen volunteered that she had seen Ashley Greene who portrays Alice in her underwear playing "Let me see how many marshmallows I can stuff in my panties before I start giggling so hard I wet myself."
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Reliable but unnamed sources say that the official number was 37.]
Oprah then grinned and asked Kristen if Robby was as good a kisser as Vanessa Hudgens said he was.
Kristen stood up. She remarked "Okay that's it Oprah. Robby and I are like they say in Indianapolis - outta here!"
In other news. 50s and 60s music icon Neil Sedaka just celebrated his 98th birthday. And he sang his big hit "Calendar Girl." It sounded great except for the fact that he left out March, August, and November.