LOS ANGELES - America's Got Talent kicked off its fifth season and judge David "The Brewmaster" Hasselhoff was nowhere to be seen.
And sitting in the Hoff's chair was Howie "Don't Touch Me Bro" Mandel. Howie apparently made a pretty good deal for himself with Simon Cowell who owns AGT, along with American Idol, The Young and The Restless, and The Weather Channel.
Cowell also is the owner of the very popular British reality shows X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent plus the soap opera As The Crumpets Turn, and the sit-com Blimey I Done Went And Burned Me Muffins Ag'in.
Nick Cannon returned as AGT host and he managed to go the whole show without mentioning his wife, the talented, sexy, and getting heftier and heftier as heck Mariah Carey.
Cannon did mention off camera to judge Sharon "Sniffles" Osbourne that yes it's true that Mariah has been putting on the weight as of late.
He then noted, "But yo yo lissen up Sharon, at least my woman don't weigh as much as Gabourey Sidibe who weighs 603, or Kirstie Alley who weighs 409, or Kelly Clarkson who weighs 234."
Sharon nodded her head in total agreement and asked in her British accent, "Well tell me sweet Nick, exactly how much does your missus weigh love?"
Nick blushed and turned red, or actually purple and replied, "Miss Sharon my sweet, little pumpkin tips the scales at 231."
"Yes love, but what does she weigh?"
"I sez she weighs 231, what da eff is wrong witcha bitch - cat got yo hearin' or what?"
Sharon started laughing and told Nick to settle down before he pees on himself.
Just then Howie walked over and Nick went to give him a high five but all the got was air. Howie immediately asked him if he had not read his contract entry about no one touching him or even thinking about touching him.
Nick asked him if it was because deep down he has gay tendencies. Howie asked where in the world he had heard that.
Nick said that he had read it on the wall in the AGT bathroom. Howie got quite upset and offered Nick $10 if he would go into the bathroom and erase it.
"Eff you, you little germ-freak cracker. You want da shit erased, I suggest dat ya git jur sterilized pecker and goes and erase it jurself ya squirmy, little bacteria-free honkie."
Howie shook his head. "Sharon will you go erase it please?"
"Show me the money ya little OCD'd bitch."
Piers Morgan walked up and heard the tail end of the conversation. He told Sharon that while she was in the men's room to be sure and put some more paper towels in the paper towel dispenser.
"Bite me Piers" Sharon yelled out.
Piers say that he would but he was afraid that he might catch the horrendously horrible allergies she has had ever since she was on Celebrity Apprentice.
The season premier of AGT was about what one would expect. They had tons and tons of talentless people and some should have been arrested for impersonating performers.
The guy with the metal coil up his nose should certainly have been arrested on the spot as should the woman who had stuffed 43 canaries in her bra and then let them out while she sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" in the key of yuc.
And how in the world the producers allowed the dance troupe from Detroit, called Smells Like a Lion to perform dressed in the native dress of the African country of Dutch West Wakaboonka complete with spears, poison dart guns, and wearing loin cloths the size of drink coaster was utterly amazing.
The only person in the entire building who liked them was Sharon "Nasty Loins" Osbourne. She said that they were great and asked if they would cater a surprise African themed picnic she was planning for her husband Ozzy.
The groups leader Willie Fontainebleau told Osbourne that they were freakin professional dancers from Detroit and not no damn catering mofo's from Africa.
Security was called in and Fontainebleau was subdued right before he got a hold of Sharon's neck. Piers had jumped up on the judges table and Howie had run to the lobby.
Meanwhile Nick said that the goings on reminded him of when he worked as a stagehand on The Jerry Springer Show.
In other news. Lady Gaga appearing on Live With Larry King assured him that the bulge in her crotch is not a penis, but an extremely overly developed G-spot.