Los Angeles, CA--Relationships experts have long known that women have extramarital affairs for various reasons, including empowerment, self-esteem, and true love. But a recently published and more in-depth analysis of infidelity indicates that there are many, many reasons why women choose to have affairs.
"We've found that affairs are not really about sex," said one of the study's lead authors. "They are about all the other constant, unbearable, unendurable, and irritating things that exist in every marriage except those of people with incomes over $1 million per year. When you have that much money, nothing bothers you."
Following are some of the key affair categories the authors found, and the results may or may not surprise you:
"Directional Affair." In this sort of affair, a woman looks for a man who can find his way from point A to point B without forcing her to roll down the window and ask for assistance from random passers-by who have just moved to the United States from a foreign country or alien planet. She has perfunctory sex with him first, and then they drive around various states in a nondescript rented car while wearing sunglasses and those tourist-type L.L. Bean hats. The directional driving, not the sex, is the truly satisfying part.
"Pension Affair." In this sort of affair, a woman looks for a man who has worked in the same job for more than 30 years but still looks like someone a woman could stomach having perfunctory sex with. In exchange for defined sexual contributions, the man agrees to pay the woman a certain percentage of his pension.
"Thin Affair." In this sort of affair, the man repeatedly tells the woman that she looks thin or thinner, regardless of whether she has gained weight, is eating an eclair topped with creme fraiche, or is calling in an order of double-crust pizza with buffalo wings on the side. Before, during, and after sex, the man whispers into the woman's ear: "You look so thin!" This statement engenders much good feeling.
"Chore Affair." In the chore affair, the woman orders the man to vacuum the motel room, collect the garbage, clean the bathroom window, and put his dirty socks into a laundry bag either before or after they have sex. While he does so, she lounges on the sofa, skimming through the paper and saying: "I can't believe how much has happened in the world in the last 15 years!"
"Spring Affair." The man agrees to listen to old tapes of Donna Summer and Thelma Huston without complaining.
"Cast Affair." Finally, in the Cast Affair, the woman puts a pretend cast or an Ace bandage on her arm or leg, while the man fills out forms, puts stamps on letters, make grocery lists, and does the other mind-crushing minutiae that women have to do even when they are in a full-body cast lying on the sofa under the influence of hydrocodone and other narcotics.
"We hypothesized that if a woman found a lover who naturally had all the above characteristics, she'd run off with him, regardless of whether the sex was any good or not," declared another of the study's authors. "And, if she were lucky enough to be married to a man who exhibited all of these qualities, she wouldn't have an affair in the first place."
"However, most women know that there is no man on earth who can navigate from point A to point B, stay in a job for 30 years and still look like Olivier Martinez, do the chores, tell her she looks thin, likes Donna Summers and Thelma Huston, and be sympathetic to her pain," concluded another author of the study. "Our data show that that kind of man would actually be a woman or a gay man, and then you are into two whole other topics--lesbian affairs or hetero-homosexual affairs--which will be the subjects of our next two studies.""