Written by John Butler
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Topics: Brad Pitt, Brad

Monday, 7 March 2005

image for Brad Pitt Infatuated By Young Supermarket Employee
Wanda, the supermarket employee Brad Pitt wants but may never have

Reason for split with Aniston finally revealed

Hollywood heartthrob, Brad Pitt still hasn't quite worked up the courage to ask the shy, checkout girl at his local supermarket out for a date. Friends say the store clerk, whose name badge reads "Wanda" has infatuated Pitt for over 5 months and Pitt himself confirmed that this set in motion the eventual collapse of his relationship with female sex goddess and reasonably talented comic actress, Jennifer Aniston.

Since the heavily publicised split, Pitt has become even more smitten with the quiet, reserved, brace-wearing, acne-ridden girl but Pitt is simply unable to find the right way to ask her out.

Pitt explained, "Wanda, my God that nametag is imprinted already upon my soul. She's just so goddamn cute you know and insecure, and vulnerable too. I think it's her vulnerability that's driving me crazy. I mean she can't be any more than 18 but, seriously what I wouldn't give... oh god... you know what I'm saying [said while nodding his head suggestively and thrusting his groin area forward and back].

"The way she mumbles hello when I'm making a purchase, she sort of mumbles and forces a smile at the same time- it's very very cute. She blushes too and this exacerbates her already bad skin. She can barely even allow herself to make eye contact. It's just adorable. And I know that she knows that I know that she's thinking, "Oh my God, it's Brad Pitt, famous Hollywood superstar or whatever". I just want to jump on top of her and tear that sexy Supermarket uniform off her delicious average-shaped body".

Continuing to gush, he added, "She's just so bloody cute and vulnerable like the way she tries to conceal the pimples on her chin with one hand and hands me change and a receipt with the other. I just want to tell her that she's the most beautiful girl in the world and force her, compel her to believe those words because, do you know why, because that's the truth- the absolute, god's honest truth- she is the most beautiful girl in the world. She's simply wonderful".

"She's obviously brilliant at what she does too. Her product scanning technique is sublime. Rarely does she have to scan a product more than once. And even though she's always extra careful to ensure the bar code is perfectly aligned with the infra red sensor, she doesn't waste any time either, she'll have the items scanned before the bag boy has them bagged… I mean really, if you can show me a more perfect girl, I'd like to see her".

The blond hunk whose previous flames include actresses Gwyneth Paltrow and Juliette Lewis, goes to great lengths just to be close to the young employee who is almost definitely a virgin. "I've learnt her work schedule off by heart - I know she works the 10-items-or-less tills on Wednesday evenings and Friday Mornings. I normally only buy essentials like bread, milk and coconut & grape-seed extract moisturizer on those occasions".

Pitt is so smitten by the young checkout girl, who has never been properly kissed, that he can barely bring himself to open his mouth around her. However he did manage to once as he proudly recalls, "A month ago I was purchasing soap and I eventually just about worked up the courage to say, "Hey is this good soap?" She responded by mumbling, "Yeah I guess". That was the about as much as she has ever said to me. I was so thrilled. Later that night I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning in amorous fantasy. Jennifer had to sleep on the couch that night. I kept thinking I should have said something witty though like, "Hey if this supermarket is selling it, it's bound to be good soap" but it's true what they say, the best lines always come to you the day after".

Pitt is doubtful his crush will ever escalate into anything more serious than unspoken infatuation. As he speaks, one realises that this is an acknowledgement tinged with a great and profound sadness. Pitt considers her untouchable.

"…Besides I don't think I'll ever be in her league- she's just too goddamn cute and vulnerable". He sighed, "With my drop-dead good looks, I'll never attain that kind of adorably insecure vulnerability".

He wept, "I'd love to get to know her better. She's like a flower in my heart that may never bloom. If I knew she liked me back Jennifer and myself probably would have gone our separate ways much earlier but as I didn't know, I continued to try make things work with Jennifer".

Pitt then shed light on the demise of his marriage to Aniston.

He explained, "My thinking was I couldn't afford to take a chance on Wanda and ruin the great thing I had going with Jennifer. That's what kept the marriage going for as long as it did. As it happened though, my obsession eventually became so great Jennifer and I just had to go our separate ways. As soon as I started to scream "Wanda" instead of "Jennifer" during sex, and began muttering "Hey I forgot my value club card, perhaps you can let this one slide Wanda baby. You wouldn't charge full price for tomatoes to a Hollywood star now would you sweet cheeks…" in my sleep, the relationship was over. She gave me an ultimatum, either I find a new place to buy groceries or she leaves the next day. That night I helped her pack her bags. We're still friends though which is good as she's still trying to cope with the loss of her other "Friends".

Pitt admits he often catches himself daydreaming about what the kids would look like if he and Wanda ever grew old together. He figured that, "with her otherwordly cuteness, insecurity, and vulnerability, and my finely chiselled good looks, I have no doubt we'd spawn the most beautiful kids in the world, more beautiful than the sky and the ocean... put together".

That's not all Pitt daydreams about. Sometimes he imagines he's a robot super hero from the future whose catchphrase when confronting villains is "I'm going to drag you into my Pitt of despair". He said, "it would work best in comic book format as you could read the pun on the word "pit" with my name. On tv you might miss that".

Although Pitt is preaching caution over throwing that same caution to the wind, he is aware how letting once in a lifetime opportunities can go on haunting you for years later. He recalled, "I remember I was an up-and-coming actor and I had the chance to meet Tom Cruise at the LA premiere of 'Risky Business'. I spent the whole week rehearsing what I was going to say in front of the mirror ("Hey Tom! How are you? I think you're great"), but when the big day came, I chickened out. I fuckin' idolised the guy but when I saw him, arms interlocked with Rebecca Demornay, on the red carpet smiling radiantly to the adoring fans- that oh so radiant smile- I just froze. At the after show party I couldn't even bring myself to eat off the same plate of hor d'ouevres as Tom, I was so nervous. Instead of biting on vol-au vents I was biting on nails. That haunted me for years- right up to the time I became a significantly bigger star than Tom. I'd expect he'd gets nervous talking to me now!"

A now tearful Pitt admitted, "I know I can't let myself become too enamoured by this cute, insecure, vulnerable girl as if she were to snub any advance of mine, I feel the unfathomable heartbreak I would undoubtedly suffer would be to much to bear. Sorry no more questions (now sobbing uncontrollably)".

Since the writing of this article, Pitt has somehow managed to muster the courage to ask Wanda out. It turns out she has her eye on squeeky-voiced teen who packs the shelves. Pitt was later found suspended from a ceiling by a necktie.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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