SAINT BRIDES MAJOR, Wales - After an engagement that lasted all of six weeks, Charlotte Church and her fiance Gavin Henson have decided to end their five year relationship.
It appears that it is a matter of pressurized living. Both Charlotte and Gavin live high-profile, always-on-the-go lives and hardly had time to gaze into each others eyes much less time to retreat to the boudoir and do the "Wild Thang" as they say in America.
Twenty-four-year-old Charlotte, who looks a bit like Lindsay Lohan except for the freckles, facial wrinkles, and wrist cuts, is reportedly devastated and is so upset that she has said that she is going to eat 24/7.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I'm not 100 percent sure, but I believe that 24/7 is a type of English dish that is made from stir fried salmon and sturgeon stroganoff.]
Charlotte recently lost 87 pounds and she has vowed to put the 87 suckers back on within two weeks if not sooner. She said that without Gavin she is nothing. She is like Iceland without the ice, or Greenland without the green.
Gavin has said that without Charlotte he is like Brazil without the bra or Jamaica without the jam.
He did say that he had become highly annoyed at the fact that she became obsessed with her sneezing. He said that for some fooked up reason Charlotte would purposely make herself sneeze when he was watching rugby matches on the telly (television).
Charlotte denied Gavin's accusations saying that she also sneezed during X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent, and Channel 4's hit comedy, Blimey I Done Went And Burned Me Muffins Again.
Gavin said that he has never seen Blimey I Done Went And Burned Me Muffins Again.
Charlotte replied that, that shows just how much attention he paid to her because while she was watching "Blimey" he was upstairs watching Hey Have You Seen Me Welly?
When Gavin was asked if there is any hope that the two can work things out he replied, "Not a snowballs chance in hell mate." Charlotte grinned and said "Ditto."
In other news. The government of Peru has called off its planned invasion of Sweden due to the tremendous distance between the two countries.