HOLLYWOOD - The Nokia Theater was filled to capacity, in fact the people in the balcony were sitting two to a seat, which is legal in California.
The American Idol Finale Show ran for 2 hours and 7 minutes. It had 87 commercials, three tons of confetti, 18,000 balloons, which someone pointed out were actually condoms, and 80 pounds of imported Brazilian firecrackers.
Kara DioGuardi looked pretty in a dress and Randy, Simon, and Ellen looked handsome in men's shirts and jeans.
Ryan looked dashing in a suit he borrowed from Adam Lambert. Ryan did not notice it, but there was some glitter on both of the suit elbows.
70s rock music icon Alice Cooper, who has to be around 80, started the show with his hit "School's Out For Summer." All of the contestants including Lee and Crystal were dressed in brown schoolboy and schoolgirl outfits.
409 pound Big Mike Lynche looked silly as hell. Ellen turned to Randy "The Black Dawg" Jackson and whispered that Mike looked like that damn volcano over in Iceland.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: And damn if the big black son-of-a-gun didn't look exactly like Eyjafjallajokull.]
Next the Bee Gees sang. Michael McDonald sang. And Dane Cook totally bored the audience as he performed a medley of Puerto Rican songs by Tatiana Del Toro.
Christina Aguilera came out doing her Lady Gaga impersonation sans crotch bulge. Her hair was pulled back so tight, that if one looked real close, one could see the signs of a goatee courtesy of her up-stretched 'carpet.'
Then British comedian (hmmmm) Ricky Gervais came out via satellite and told about seven knock knock jokes about his fellow Brit Simon "The Prince of Put Downs" Cowell.
Ricky should really do something about his vampire-looking teeth. I am sure that the British bloke certainly has enough money to visit the dentist and get his vampire teeth filed.
Elliot Yamin did it several years ago and now he looks just like Brad Pitt.
Hall and Oates took the AI stage next. And they were really rockin' and rollin' - it's a shame Daryl Hall's organ wasn't plugged in. And yes, 40 years later the gay rumors are still floating around.
Next Alanis Morissette sang. And Carrie Underwood sang. Carrie looked extremely sexy wearing pants that were so tight you could actually see the outline of her G-spot.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has got to be one of the biggest fools in the history of fools to have dumped this fine little deliciously delicious specimen.]
And then the winner of Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice, Poison lead singer Bret Michaels appeared on stage and performed with Kara's "Cowboy Toy" Casey James.
Bret and Casey sang a song that Bret co-wrote with Kara DioGuardi entitled, "The Ballad of Kara's Cowboy Boy Toy."
The song brought tears to Kara's eyes, which Simon wiped away with the right sleeve of his black T-shirt. Ellen offered Kara the use of her bra but Kara refused it saying that she did not want to be responsible for an injury to Ellen's tits if they hit the judges' desk.
Ellen replied that her titties are still perky. Randy laughed. Ryan giggled. Kara coughed. And Simon remarked, "Ah Ellen, if I may be honest, your tata's haven't been perky in at least two decades."
Everyone laughed including the members of the band Chicago who performed next, but under their new name, The Windy City.
Ryan next introduced General Larry Platt who sang a medley of his hit, "Pants On The Ground." Platt got kind of excited because he did forget some of the words including pants, on, the, and ground.
And the infamous William Hung, walked out on stage and provided the General with back up vocals and a bowl of Rice-A-Roni the San Fransissyco Treat.
American Idol's first ever winner Kelly Clarkson performed next. Kelly certainly showed that she has not missed any meals in the past year. She was wearing a black outfit that sort of hid her love handles, or rather pushed them up giving her the effect of having two rows of knockers.
Randy turned to Ellen and whispered that Kelly looked like a female St. Bernard. Kelly has been battling the battle of the bulge and sad to say she is getting her ass kicked.
She says that she is trying to cut down and no longer eats while she is asleep.
And then little bitty Paula Abdul took the stage. She talked about how much she owes Simon, including a $45,000 loan from three years ago, when she remodeled her home and added a closet to hold her collection of empty pain pill bottles, which she collects from throughout the world.
Paula also revealed that she has been watching Kara flirt with Simon all year. She said that Miss "Raging Hormones" DioGuardi should really try and act her age, which is certainly somewhere in the 40s.
Kara told her that speaking of cellulite she knows the name of a doctor who can remove all of Paula's cellulite for about $6,000 per thigh.
Paula hollered out for Kara to kiss her ass. Kara responded by saying that she would but she is allergic to the smell of Ellen's lips. Ellen remarked that she is a married man with a wife, dogs, cats, canaries, and a pet peeve.
Ryan walked over and told the panel to settle down. Simon asked, "Hey Skippy, who the hell invited you over. Shouldn't you be over there somewhere thinking of dull, useless questions to ask."
Ryan invited Simon up on stage so that Paula could read a tribute to the man many know as the "Sultan of Sarcasm," the "Count of Criticism," the "Royal Dude of Rude," the "Viceroy of Venom," and the "Knight of Nastiness."
Simon's eyes teared up. His face got red. His hands started shaking. And Ryan asked, if that was a woody in his crotch or an erection in his groin.
Paula blushed and said that knowing Simon like she does, it was most probably both.
Janet Jackson took the stage next and right away everyone noticed that she had a hair malfunction...it was gone. And when she turned around everyone gasped as they saw her gigantic booty. It was every bit three times the size of Jennifer Lopez' booty.
In fact, Simon remarked that Janet's arse (the British name for ass) was bigger than little Aaron Kelly's whole body. Randy said "Damn, dawg, da sista's butt be not only pitchy as hell, it be humongously gigantic to the point of being borderline traumatic for anyone under the age of 19."
And then the final performer of the night came out and joined Crystal and Lee for the 60s song "With A Little Help From My Friends."
Yes, it was none other than Joe Cocker, who according to Internet sources just turned 102, this past May 20.
And then after 2 hours and 3 minutes, Ryan was given the envelope with the results. He opened it. And he announced that the 2010 American Idol winner was...Lee DeWyze.
Lee could not believe it. He asked to see the envelope with the card. He asked Ryan if he was sure that it was not a misprint. Seacrest handed him the suitcase containing the $1 million and Lee fainted. Crystal who knows CPR was quickly able to get him to come back around.
During the confusion, Ryan noticed that the suitcase was missing. Someone said that they thought that either Fantasia Barino or Taylor Hicks may have taken it since both certainly need the money bad.
[CUE THE CONFETTI, THE LIGHTS, THE DOVES, THE BALLOONS AND THE FIRECRACKERS]