Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Bono, Glastonbury, U2

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

image for Bono to be put down after pulling out of Glastonbury
Bono or Nobo as he probably isn't known to anyone else

Bono the popular Irish terrier and lead singer of rock/pop/dance/rap/punk/crap/sh*t/b*llocks band U2 is to be put down after breaking his back in a bizarre accident.

The pint sized pup was rehearsing for an appearance at Glastonbury next month when he tried to fly from one side of the stage to the other without the aid of any supporting wires. Bono has always believed he could fly a bit like Superman can and even recorded a song called the Fly, where he sang about being a fly and spending his day chomping on dogshit… probably. However, his misjudged attempt at trying to fly without wings or a jetpack resulted in him falling from a 30 foot high piece of scaffolding and landing face first on his arse.

This is not the first time Bono has injured himself trying to pull off a death defying stunt. He has previously tried walking on water but had to be resuscitated by the Edge after he was found lying face down in a paddling pool; he once tried to nail himself to a large cross made out of two planks of wood and had to be rushed to hospital to have splinters removed from his arse; he even buried himself in a coffin after telling the drummer from U2 that he was dead, but when he tried to open it again two days later in an attempt to convince everyone that he had come back to life, he found the lid was too heavy to push open so spent a whole week shouting for help before anyone bothered to come and help him.

Bono was immediately rushed to the local pet rescue centre after his latest prank where top vet Rolf Harris tried to resuscitate the cheeky Irish scamp with his Didgeridoo. Unfortunately as hard as the veteran Australian pumped the lifeless Irish mongrel it was to no avail and eventually a lethal dose of sperm was injected up his arse to put Bono out of his misery.

U2's headline slot at Glastonbury will now be filled by rock/pop/metal/thrash/hardcore/shirtlifters Right Said Fred.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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