Written by Erskin Quint
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 22 May 2010

image for Lily Allen Climbs Everest
"They're just tits. I hate bras. Get over it, tossers!" A pair of breasts, yesterday (not Lily's).

Petite but curvy, feisty and formerly naughty in a wasted middle-class way pop singer Lily Allen has cemented the evolution of her image by becoming the latest unlikely figure to climb Mount Everest yesterday, writes Hilary Tensing, Chief Gobshite.

"We are all just knocked out and amazed and so pleased for Lily", said her agent Helen Meat-Cleaver at base camp yesterday. "It was all I could do to get as far as base camp. What a struggle! Have you seen all the rubbish round here? I think the refuse collectors must be on strike. It just proves how brave and really serious an artiste Lily has turned out to be. Just imagine what she has had to go through, pushing past all those children, celebrities and tourists - not to mention the camera crews - queuing to make the final push for the summit."

Lily, looking drop-dead gorgeous and elegant in a vintage champagne gown and thick make-up ("there have been a few late nights on the way up", explained Helen Meat-Cleaver - Courtney Love and Kate Moss are somewhere up there being the First Celebrity Pretend Lesbians To Conquer The North Face"), was interviewed by Alan Titchmarsh on the sofa at the summit.

Taking off her oxygen mask and lighting a cigarette, Lily fingered her brandy glass and wept. "It's always been about the songs for me", she told Titchmarsh, who was clearly suffering from altitude sickness as well as pining for the Chelsea Flower Show.

"I just want people to see how grown up and serious I am now", smiled Lily, who was looking sexy and gorgeous in a vintage claret gown. "When I have my kids, I want them to see pictures of this and listen to the serious songs that I want to write with Randy Newman. I also want to write a serious symphony with Glen Tilbrook called "The Old Queen Is Not Amused" about Queen Victoria and Elton John."

Lily looked beautiful as the high altitude sunshine sent spears and sparks shooting from the pearl earrings that dangled above her sophisticated vintage chablis gown. "I also want to get back to my roots. I trained as a florist and I want to open a flower shop and develop my own range of 'Lily's Lilies'", she told Titchmarsh, who was now turning blue and vomiting, "as well as spend more time watching Fulham lose with my Grandad."

Then it was time to pose by the summit flag with her father, celebrity "geezer" Keith Allen, who used to be famous for his ventriloquism act with Orville the Duck (who had been unable to make the climb).

And here it was, at the very roof of the world, that Lily Allen could not resist a final display of her breasts and third nipple. "This is just to prove I was being ironic all the time", a now topless Lily yelled across the transcendentally-beautiful and mystically-effulgent Himalayan mountain-peaks. "They're just tits. I hate bras. Get over it, tossers!"

And there she was again, the real Lily at last. Yes, she was a bit pissed. Yes, she was having a laugh at herself and at us. But the elegant vintage brandy gown, and the spiritually celestial location, told us that this is a girl who means business. How will the serious woman and mother called Lily Allen turn out?

I can't wait to find out. Can you?

Make Erskin Quint's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 2?

7 24 16 2
78 readers are online right now!

Go to top