ORLANDO - Tiger Woods was resting comfortably reading Playboy Magazine in his trophy room when he received a phone call from his manager Upton Courtquist.
Courtquist told him that the latest rumor currently circulating is that he is the father of Sandra Bullock's little baby Louis.
Tiger asked if little Louis looks at all like him. Courtquist replied that yes he does.
"What?" Tiger screamed in a high pitched voice that sounded like it could have come from a 12-year-old girl scout.
Courtquist replied "Well Tigre, little Louis is black. He has your nose, your eyes, your gender, and your bad habit of slobbering when you are upset, worried, or being asked for $10 million by another one of your Scorecard Club Cuties.
Tiger says that he is so fed up with everyone trying to make him out to be the bad guy that he is seriously thinking about retiring from golf and moving to Arizona.
He was asked why Arizona of all places? He replied because after President Obama gets through kicking the state's ass even old crippled rattlesnakes won't wanna live there.
He added that there will be a lot of peace and quiet and he can just relax in the hot 112 degree heat, free from the media and the smut-peddling reporters.
SIDENOTE: Pertaining to Baby Louis, two of Tiger's attorney's Alvin McFlannel and Max Greenbaum are looking into settling out of court for an unspecified amount of diapers, baby food, and a golf green shaped playpen.