Shirley Knott: HOLLYWOOD - Well, she has gone and done it: Jennifer Lopez today debuted her new line of fresh and trashy tart wear that simply screams to be worn by trailer park debutantes across the nation. Dubbing her new line Two Sizes Too Small, she has dedicated it to former fiancé, Ben Affleck, and she will debut a tiny companion accessories line under the name Afflecktations.
Due to appear exclusively at The Dollar Tree and other fine discount stores, Two Sizes Too Small is positioned to be an instant success with disadvantaged girls everywhere. Ms. Lopez, an aspiring actress, said she created her new sparkly, spandex designs for "those low-class girls who need some high-class style."
"Young ladies --especially those financially-challenged-- need to show off their curves to catch men even if they only hold onto them for just a few minutes," said Lopez. "A sumptuous bosom overflowing from a low-cut shirt or a snug pair of hip hugger slacks surrounding a girl's derriere can really get her off the sidewalk and into any waiting vehicle."
Lopez, who confessed she wore down many Hollywood sidewalks during her own rise to fame, said she is thrilled to be able to supply girls with properly trashy fashion choices "for any position they aspire to occupy."
"Every girl needs some J Lo class," she added.
In related news, superstar and Kabbalistic devotee, Madonna, will soon be out and about promoting her new swimwear line, Red Strings. Deemed by fashion critics as "scanty but spiritually intense," Red Strings thongs and bikinis promise to be the surprise hit of the summer season.
Now, it's time to introduce yours truly, Shirley Knott, to all The Spoof readers. Hello you forlorn, war-torn guys and gals and global gossip mongers! Moi, Shirley Knott, is here for you with the best Hollywood news and gossip, and to answer those pressing personal questions you've always wanted to ask.
No doubt you've often seen moi frequently waving from numerous red carpets around the globe because my mailbox is simply brimming with some very quirky questions and garrulous gossip from my readers. I've been wading through it of late and look what I discovered:
Is it true that you advised Ben Affleck to get back together with Jennifer Lopez? I'd like to reunite with my estranged wife and I'm hoping you can help.
I never break a break-up confidence, dahlink, but I'll tell you this: The picture of you attached to your email shows me that you're going to have to make friends with Mr. Soap before you set your cap on your runaway spouse.
Confidential to H. Swank: Yes, Shirley's had a peek at those tallies, dahlink, and you're a shoo-in. Wear something nice.