Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 14 May 2010

image for Justin Bieber Buys Hairspray and Toothpaste Companies
Justin Bieber's Dental Mold. Actual width; 7 inches.

Now that the financially successful, 16 year old singing sensation is on the dating trail, it only made sense to surround himself with quality personal grooming products. Given the amount of hair on Bieber and the literal vastness of his smile, he recently completed a buy out deal for two companies; "Stay Put Hair Care", and "Ridiculously White Toothpaste".

"The boy is all hair and teeth after all", says Bieber's personal assistant, Nolan Gerboard, "and he needs to look his best for the likes of Miley and that little Kardashian". Others close to the Bieber camp confirm the amount of hair gel, hairspray and toothpaste that Justin goes through on any given day. "He has no visible forehead or eyebrows. Its all hair, man", says exterior gardener, Mel Anoma. "And those teeth? Man, they're as big as piano keys. He goes through cases of personal products on a weekly basis".

Bieber's business manager, Howie Cheatum tells reporters, "It was just a sound investment. Justin can put his own name on the brand as well as get the product for free, which significantly cuts down on his weekly expenses. We'll be after a body spray company, and not that I'm trying to say anything here, but potentially a condom company next."

In a related story, Wikipedia was quickly updated to reflect the purchase of his two new companies, but strangely updated his bio to indicate he was both a pop and R&B singer. Music critic Tommy Tutone commented on that bio change right after the website was updated, "I mean, you have to live a little before you can sing about the troubles of life, you dig? What's he going to sing the blues about, my freshman girlfriend didn't check YES in the 'do you like me' box?"

Bieber's assistant was quick to defend the young star. "After a couple of rounds with Miley Cyrus or any of the Kardashians, he'll know what crushing pain feels like. But his hair and teeth will be perfect in the mean time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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