JACKSONVILLE, Florida - Tiger Woods, the man who single-handedly is going to make about a dozen or so white blonde bimbos millionaires, has withdrawn from playing in The Players Championship at the Sawgrass Country Club in Ponte Vedra, Florida.
The half-black golfing legend whose wife Elin Nordegren refers to as the "Dick With Feet" reportedly told his caddy Tyrone "Stymie" Flacksteen that he will tell the news media that the reason he is dropping out of the tournament is because of a bulging disk in his lower back, an infected uvula, and a stomach virus he got from eating tainted watermelon.
Woods confided to Tyrone that the real reason he has decided to quit the tournament is because of a condition known as nonsnatchitus, or in layman's terms 'pecker neglect.'
Tyrone who asked that his name not be used (oops sorry Ty) pointed out that his boss, Eldrick Tont Woods told him that it has become extremely difficult to try and concentrate on hitting a friggin little white ball and trying to get the son-of-a-bitch to go into the effen little hole.
He went on to say that all he does when he is walking to the next hole is think about the lovely, luscious white thighs of his 'dirty dozen' white blonde chicks.
Tyrone said that he asked Woods if he was concerned at all about the shit load amount of money he is going to have to pay out to each of his honky ho's (Tyrone's words) in order to buy their silence about their intimate involvement with his taco tickler (wiggle widget).
"Stymie" who says that he got his nickname from the Little Rascals character, and not the imported Peruvian automobile, said that Tiger told him that he figures that each of his Scorecard Cuties will get $10 million each.
Woods figured that it will cost him about $120 million to silence each of the dozen cracker bitches. He then took out his calculator and entered $800 million divided by 2 and he got $400 million, which would be his share amount and the share amount that his Swedish slut of a wife Elin would each be getting.
Tiger then said that $400 million minus $120 million would still leave him with $280 million, which he figures is enough money to last him a while at least, just as long as he doesn't revert back to trying to dip his wick into every white, blonde, money and wiener-grabbing, peckerwood bitch that comes out of the friggin woodwork.
SIDENOTE: The word on the street (in Orlando) is that once his divorce from Queen Elin is final, Woods will sign a long term contract with the makers of Viagra which will pay him $20 million a year to be the "Poster Boy" for the amazing little blue pills.