HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Sandra Bullock was out in her front yard in a Houston Astros baseball jersey and Texas Rangers baseball shorts putting up a "For Sale" sign on the front lawn of her Hollywood Hills mansion Casa Vrrroom Vrrroom.
The 2010 Academy Award Winning Best Actress and professional hermit, says that she has literally been worn to a frazzle with the whore-mongering exploits of her honky hoing husband.
She said that she never in a 100 years would have ever suspected that her grease under the nails husband, whom she now refers to as "Messy" Jesse, would have cheated on her with at least five and possibly as many as twelve tattooed mother effen bimbo bitches.
Bullock said that she guesses she should have figured something was up when he started getting new tattoos with female names such as Melissa, Brigitte, and Skittles.
She said that he had the nerve to tell her that those were the names of wives of World War II German Nazi generals whom he has a strange admiration for.
Bullock says that she will take her adopted African son, Timba Simba Limba, whom she has nicknamed Tarzan, and permanently move to Austin where like the song proclaims: The stars at night, are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas.
Sandra says that she will most probably retire from the movie-making business unless something special comes along and she needs to make a quick $20 million.
When asked if there is a special man in her life Sandra tears up and says that there are two men in her life.
She smiles and says that the main man in her life is her brand new son Tarzan, whom she found wandering around in the Kenyan jungle in underwear made from vines.
Bullock wipes away some tears as well as some ketchup from the French fries she is eating and says that the second man in her life is her BFF George Lopez.
Sandra confesses that when she was feeling lower than a rattlesnake's belly it was "Jorge" who she said kept her from going crazy with his funny knock-knock jokes, his nasty Sarah "Snowflake" Palin jokes, his Jay Leno chin jokes, and his jokes about that ugly looking British bitch Amy Winehouse.
In a related story. Sandra says that Lopez is such a good friend that he has told her that he will be having his seven tattoos removed so that way she won't see them and possibly think about that white redneck, Nazi, cracker, SOB Jesse "Turdhead" James.