Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 7 May 2010

image for Tiger Woods' First "GolfGate" Gal Pal Rachel Uchitel Says "Leave Me And My $10 Million Payoff Alone!"
A recent photo of Rachel Uchitel's feet. (Photo courtesy of Charlie Sheen).

ST. LOUIS - Tiger Woods first "GolfGate" Scorecard Cutey member Rachel Uchitel [pronounced: RICH-BITCH] was in St. Louis watching the St. Louis Cardinals play the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Uchitel has adamantly refused to give any interviews regarding her involvement with Tiger "Dick With Feet" Woods.

Ms. Uchitel, whom close friends have nicknamed, "Richie" says that she just wants to be left alone and not be bothered with any questions about who? what? when? where? why? and how much friggin money did she get to zip up her mouth and memorize the seven word phrase "I am not saying a damn word."

Rachel's high-profile lawyer, the very wealthy but rather unattractive Gloria Allblue, chimed in and said in a quasi-Ukrainian accent that her client will not say anything other than the seven boring-as-hell words that she has spoken at least 2,000 in the past two months.

Allblue was asked how much her client had received to develop amnesia. The Left Coast attorney shot back that her client does not have amnesia. She then volunteered that she does have an ingrown toenail, tennis elbow, ringing in her nose, and a slight vaginal infection, but amnesia? No.

Rachel was then asked how much money she had received from Mr. Eldrick Tont Woods. She asked "Who?"

"Dick With Feet."

"Oh Tiggy. No comment."

"Does he really know the names of all of the 904 members of the Osmond family?

"No comment."

"Well is it true that his wife Elin Nordegren does not have a labia minora?"

"No comment."

"Fair enough. So Rachel, is it true that "El Tigre" has a tattoo of a golf club on his wiener?"

[GIGGLING] "Yes."

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I called Larry King at home to ask him to verify if the amount that Rachel Uchitel had received from Woods was in fact $10 million. Mrs. King's boyfriend, "The Coach" answered the phone. After chatting with him for about 30 minutes he did confirm that the $10 million figure was right on the money.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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