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Tuesday, 4 May 2010

image for Single girl decides to list Facebook relationship status as married to roommate
Oh god, she's one of those chicks who does nothing but gab with her idiotic friends and hates to be away from them for more than 30 seconds

BOSTON, MA - University student Amy Tripwaller announced today that in absence of having a significant other, she was going to change her Facebook relationship status from "Single" to "Married to Laura Juarez", her roommate. Tripwaller believes this will deflect unwanted attention to the fact that she is currently without a romantic interest, as well as signal to announce to potential mates that she has a great sense of humor.

"I think this is a great move," said Tripwaller, speaking to reporters outside her dorm room. "By listing one of my closest friends as my partner, I come off as a good-humored, affectionate, well-to-do girl, while remaining ambiguously silent about my love life."

Tripwaller, who has not experienced any form of physical intimacy since drunkenly making out with senior Mike Germace during a Halloween party in October, decided to make the change after noticing that housemates Martha Patterson and Jenny Jenkins, who similarly have experienced a dearth in their romantic lives, chose to declare themselves as spouses.

"I've seen [desperate and lonely girls choose sarcastic relationship statuses] quite a lot, but Martha and Jen really convinced me that this was the way to go. I mean, Jen ended up hooking up with a really hot guy last Friday, so I guess the switch was a real confidence booster," revealed Tripwaller

Tripwaller pointed out that the practice of naming close friends as spouses has been well-established amongst lonely females since Facebook's "Relationship Status" bar has made one's love life public knowledge. The 20-year-old chemistry student also admitted she considered removing her relationship status from her Facebook page--a popular move amongst single men--but eventually demurred on the grounds that it would make her seem "like a whore."

"As much as they don't want to admit it, girls who don't list their relationship status are either total sluts or lesbians," asserted the undergraduate.

Tripwaller also rebuffed concerns from reporters who feared that if and when the rising junior finds a boyfriend, ending her Facebook relationship with Juarez could expose her scheme to conceal her past loneliness.

"It's not like I can't still be married on Facebook and not have a boyfriend," the co-ed claimed. "Look at Erin O'Rorke. She's been with Steve [Halrem] since December, and her Facebook status still says 'Married to Bethany Stevens', so it's totally plausible that I could be one of those people who is just really tight with her friends," though sources close to the Winchester native indicate she is not particularly close with Juarez.

"You do have to be careful, though; if you list yourselves as a couple, everyone except your really close friends might assume you're a lesbian. But saying you're married is pretty obviously a joke, so it works out alright," maintained the woman who has not been in a serious relationship since last April. "Also, some guys could be thrown off and think, 'Oh god, she's one of those chicks who does nothing but gab with her idiotic friends and hates to be away from them for more than 30 seconds', but once they meet me they'll know that's not the case."

However, sources did reveal a potential obstacle to the chemistry student's plan.

"Things with me and Dean [Walton] are getting pretty serious," admitted Tripwaller's roommate Juarez. "Looks like we might make it official soon. I guess Amy will have to find somebody else to pretend to be married to."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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