LONDON - Cheryl Cole was shopping at ASDA when she was informed that she had just been named by FHM Magazine as its 'Sexiest Woman on The Planet.'
"Chezza" dropped a package of crumpets she was holding and remarked that she was surprised at winning the award for the second year in a row.
She said that she was certain that someone like Megan Fox, who has a gorgeous-looking (blank), or lingerie model Marisa Miller, who has a pair of delicious-looking (blanks), or even Frankie Sandford of the all-girl band The Saturdays, who has one of the sweetest-smelling (blanks) would win this year.
Cole was told that she had received more votes than the next four girls put together. When asked how she felt the X-Factor judge and Girls Aloud member simply replied, "ravishingly ravished and right now I feel like I wish that my American BFF Derek Hough was here to feel me all up and down like he did dozens of times when I was in Los Angeles."
The stunningly attractive Mrs. Cole smiled with those big beautiful brown eyes and said that she still cannot believe that her husband Chelsea football player Ashley could have cheated on her with half a dozen bloomin' bloody, blitherin' bitches.
She raised her eyebrows, rolled her eyes, cupped her tits, and added that none of those skankettes could even make a pimple oh her lovely arse (ass) assuming of course that she had a pimple on her lovely ass (arse).
Cheryl said that the first person she called with the news was her BFF in America, Derek Hough, one of the dancers on Dancing With The Stars.
She said that he yelled out "That's my girl!" Cheryl said that hopefully when her divorce from Ashley is finalized Derek alias The Dancing Dude will ask her to marry her and wisk her off to America where she will star in Simon Cowell's new X-Factor Show which he is producing in the states.
Cole was asked about her most recent very intimate tattoo and if she would show it off. Chezza said that it was indeed intimate and that she would not be showing it off, and especially not in a supermarket.
She was asked if she perhaps had a photo. She responded that she did and she took it out and showed it to the small crowd that had formed around the English tea aisle.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Dear American and British readers. That stupid, ignorant asshole of a person, Ashley Cole has got to be one of the dumbest blokes to ever set foot on the the great soil of Great Britain. The black brat must certainly have spaghetti for brains. What a twit, twat, twerp, punk.]