Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 5 May 2010

image for Kirstie Alley Says That After Looking At Gabourney Sidibe She Feels Downright Anorexic!
Kirstie has admitted that yes it is true that she does salt her food with popcorn.

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Kirstie Alley said that she really enjoyed the movie Precious starring Gabourney Sidibe, who was nominated for Best Actress but lost out to Sandra Bullock, the soon-to-be-ex-wife of Messy Jesse "The Whore Monger" James.

Kirstie was asked what she liked the best about the movie. She giggled and said that she loved the popcorn and the five hot dogs, plus the two boxes of Raisinets she had polished off during the previews, prior to the movie.

She said that she had no idea that the concession stand food items had gone up so much. When she was told that a large box of popcorn was $12, she raised her eyebrows and said that she only wanted a box of popcorn she did not want to buy the popcorn machine.

Kirstie was real excited about the fact that she is negotiating to star in the Martello Pellegrini film Hey Sista Sista - The Aretha Franklin Story.

Alley was asked how in the world she could hope to pull that part off since after all, Franklin is black and she (Kirstie) is whiter than Wynonna Judd.

"Black make up."

The former Cheers actress, who tips the scales at 409, says that her and Aretha are the same exact identical weight. She pointed out that the two have several other similarities such as they both have the same exact middle name Louise.

Alley and Franklin both have 13 or more letters in their two names and both cannot stand Sarah "Snowflake" Palin.

Kirstie said that she recently talked to Franklin, who is regarded by many as The Undisputed Queen of Soul, and she said that she met Palin two years ago down in Mobile, Alabama, at a convention of The Cotton Pickers Coalition of America.

K.A., as her grocer calls her, said that Aretha told her that she did not like the Alaskan honky bitch because she kept addressing her as Ella Fitzgerald.

Alley was asked how she is feeling lately, and in particular how she is doing with her overweight status. Kirstie winked and said that after seeing 603 pound Gabourney Sidibe in the movie Precious, she really and truly feels downright damn good and actually feels somewhat anorexic compared to Moby Dick's sister.

Kirstie did jovially reveal that she is presently dating a pair of twins, Mario and Eduardo Casagrande, ages 29 and 26.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I talked to Abel about the three year age difference between the twins. He laughed and said that he did it on purpose to see if I would catch it. Well I sure did. I informed him that I did not get to be the editor because of my Antonio Banderas good looks. Mario and Eduardo are both 29.]

After Alley mentioned the Casagrande twins she put her right index finger across her lips and said that Mario and Eduardo are both illegal aliens who she lets reside in her kitchen pantry. She grinned, licked her lips and said happily that Mario takes care of satisfying the left side of her body and Eduardo takes care of satisfying the right side.

In developing news coming out of Peru. Archaeologists have found what they believe to be traces of condoms in the ancient Incan city of Machu Picchu. A leading expert on birth control Carlitos Chupataco was asked if the descendants of the Incas practice birth control and safe sex. He smiled and answered, "Some Inca do, and some Inca don't.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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