Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 30 April 2010

image for Rosie O'Donnell Adopts Lindsay Lohan
Rosie decorates her lawn in anticipation of her adopted daughter's arrival.

Following comments made to Access Hollyweird reporters yesterday, Rosie O'Donnell has filed paperwork in Los Angeles County to legally adopt Lindsay Lohan.

Citing her own personal concerns for Lohan's safety and with the hope of providing a safe and loving, completely asexual but nurturing environment for the young woman with ample breasts and curvaceous bottom, O'Donnell said, "I can think of about a hundred ways I'd like to help that girl with an intervention".

Lohan, oblivious to most of what is going on around her, could not be reached for comment, though her father was ready to comment on anything that put him back in the press. Michael Lohan, estranged father to Lindsay and first class media whore, was camped outside Access Hollyweird offices this morning hoping to get yet another meaningless and pointless interview.

Close personal friends to Lindsay say that she just wants to be left alone. "Everybody wants something from her; even her own parents come attached with an agenda. Maybe Rosie will be able to help after all", says childhood friend Myra Nerpils.

Lohan's new bedroom will be done up in pink and lace, with unicorn graphics on the walls. O'Donnell says, "She missed out on a whole childhood, I think she will love the room." This said, while grabbing an extra large tube of Astro Glide and hiding it in the top dresser drawer. Miss Lindsay Lohan-O'Donnell is welcome to take up her new residence next week, if anyone can find her.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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