Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: Hollywood, History

Tuesday, 8 February 2005

image for Sharon Stone In Sophie's Choice Remake
Forget new scripts.

In a venture to change movie history and capitalize on popular current films, Hollywood executives have decided to remake some semi contemporary classics such as Sophie's Choice, which will star Sharon Stone and conversely cast Meryl Streep in Basic Instincts. Yes, that scene will remain.

"Of course I'll do the scene. The integrity of the original script must be kept," replied Ms. Steep. To which Ms. Stone said, "Huh?"

Robin Williams will take on the duties of the Michael Douglas character, and, sort of like a chain reaction, Michael Douglas is set to play the Robert de Nero role in `Raging Bull'. He has already started working on gaining one hundred pounds for that role. At this time, no role is set for Robert de Nero, but Zeta Jones has left the mansion.

Going for the sure thing, while ignoring the talent of hundreds of new writers waiting in the wings, with stacks of screenplays under their collective arms, studio heads have decided to instead produce remakes of popular films cast with a different set of actors. In some cases, the same sets will be used or found or assembled or reconstructed or resurrected. Bottom line, save money, stay under budget. In a final leap of creative imagination, casting and genius, Goldie Hawn has been tapped to play the new James Bond. And somewhere in Scotland, on a golf course, Sir Sean Connery has just keeled over in faint.

When asked if she was looking forward to her role as the new 007 British secret agent James Bond, she replied, "The name is Hawn, Goldie Hawn. Fasten your seat belts. It's going to be a bumpy ride to the bank."

There have been numerous film remakes in the past, but none with a contemporary presence except for the recent Sabrina failure, which had a rather obscure reaction at the box office, but Hamlet has been remade umpteen times and no one has complained. Casting Sir Anthony Hopkins in the remake of American Gigolo, should be another feather in his cap.

"After playing Nixon, Picasso and Hannibal Lector, the American Gigolo will be like a piece of cake. I'll have to lose about fifty pounds. Possibly I can donate the cake and fifty pounds to the Michael Douglas project."

A flying bullet parted his hair from left to right.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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