Porn star turned semi-naked fire-eating singer Tia Brodie - the bare-breasted babe who made Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan sweat but left ice-maiden Amanda Holden cold on Britain's Got Talent is desperate to perform a naked fire-act in front of sullen Twilight boy-vampyre Robert Pattinson, writes Felicity Flibbertigibbet for The Daily Rectum.
We understand from a source close to delirium that Tia, who stripped to black high heels, black frilly knickers and black nipple covers at the BGT Manchester heat, wants to get RPattz hot and bothered at the sight of her nude form writhing amid the flames in a new movie about Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins.
Our source - close to the mother of all hangovers - revealed that raunchy Tia is burning to land the role of Fanny Sizzler, a young wench accused of turning the local tapster at the Pustule & Pillory Inn, Harry Cox, into a duck. Fanny is suspected because one of her ducks is lame, and the tapster also had a limp, and so she is taken by the Witchfinder.
The scriptwriters are keen to send their script to Robert Pattinson, who they want in the part of Dickon Cox, the sensitive, ethereal tapster's son, who feels sorry for the wench Fanny Sizzler as she is being tortured by the Witchfinder's henchmen, because he knows the duck is not really his father (it limps with the right leg, whereas Harry Cox had gout in his left leg).
As Fanny is bound naked to the stake and the flames lick her squirming body, Dickon comes, to her rescue, by leaping into the fire and cutting her bonds. An exciting fugitive life ensues, ending in their escape to the New World, where Dickon becomes Governor of New England with Fanny by his side as his respectable first lady.
But none realise that - behind closed doors at home - the couple love to re-enact the scene of their early passion, and Fanny performs a nude fire-eating dance for an ecstatic Dickon, who finally loses his pallid inhibitions.
Hot property Tia has been alerted to the movie proposal by her agent Solomon King, and she is hell-bent on cementing her cracking, crackling BGT conflagration by cashing in and capturing the corking role of Fanny Sizzler.
Our source close to a stupor revealed further that tantalising Tia the pert-breasted pyrotechnic performer, said of pale-faced pouting Pattinson:
"When I pass the flaming torches over my nude legs, belly and breasts, I imagine what I could do to that little boy. I'd make a man of him all right."
Kristen Stewart is still constipated at the bohemian apartment she shares with Robert Pattinson in Much Wenlock, Shropshire.