Written by Erskin Quint
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Friday, 23 April 2010

image for Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Norris McWhirter and the Eohippus Quest
Unfortunately, "Zoltan" from the Ruritanian Fire-Damaged Circus did not quite fit the bill

Gaunt, enigmatic, sexually-charged Twilight couple Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been looking high and low for a suitable pet, a source close to the Daily Effluent told me yesterday.

Unfortunately, their search was diligent but fruitless.

Incidentally, my source also told me that they had planted an apple tree in the garden of Fanny Labia-Tuck, an elderly friend they met while they were on holiday in Devon, but the tree had not grown properly and this was a second fruitless endeavour.

However, I must return to the first fruitless endeavour.

It seems that RPattz and KStew had looked in many places, to find a nice companion, such as pet shops, condemned Macedonian monkey-houses, a Ruritanian fire-damaged circus, Eurodisney, and the Todmorden Home for Retired PG Tips Chimpanzees, all to very little, if any avail.

Such was their near-despair ("the worst case of near-despair since Stravinsky after The Rite of Spring got panned on opening night - though even that wasn't too bad since he actually benefited from the bad publicity", claimed my source.

"I should have used Kafka after Metamorphosis didn't get properly proofread, but, never mind, it's too late now", he continued, after I had stopped listening), such was their near-despair indeed, that they had almost despaired.

But then Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, after a period of enigmatical and moody pondering and general lassitude, which made them all the more sexy in a wasted and cool kind of way, despite being stupid and unhealthy and self-obsessive, had an idea which I would call left-field if I was fatuous enough, which I am.

RPattz, it seems, said to KStew, as she was painting lime on her 19th-century complexion and he was making tobacco soup, "why don't we try to get an extinct pet. That would be so cool."

At this, his whitewashed friend could only concur and the idea was born.

They then invited the late Norris McWhirter, the former TV presenter and "Book of Records author, to their bohemian flat in Much Wenlock, Shropshire*.

They were able to summon up McWhirter as they are vampires with supernatural tendencies.

The three of them enjoyed an evening of world record chat and a meal of cigarettes washed down with coke, and RPattz brought up the subject of extinct pets.

Naturally, the dodo came up, as did the giant capybara and the quagga, but on Norris McWhirter's advice these were rejected: they were, respectively, "too ugly", "too messy", and "nicely-marked, like a kind of zebra, but, given its propinquity for ostriches and wildebeests (the three would graze together in what was called 'the triple alliance'), hardly a practical proposition for an active professional vampire couple." So it was, to cut a long story short (if only - Ed.), that, round about midnight**, the notion of keeping a herd of eohippi was mooted by Norris, as he smoked a pipe of opium***.

Kristen particularly liked this idea, since the eohippus was a tiny horse.

She likes horses, and thought small ones would be cute and easy to look after, and they could put them in Fanny Labia-Tuck's orchard, so Robert and Kristen wouldn't have to worry about maintenance, they could visit the eohippi when they took holidays in Devon, and it would help to compensate for the failed apple tree.

So it was that the decision was taken.

Norris stayed in the guest room, and the next day they all set off in his Morris 1000 Traveller car, in search of the mysterious eohippus.

Sadly, my source revealed, they have not yet found any eohippi.

One unscrupulous farmer in Radnor, Wales tried to sell them a herd of Shetland ponies, which they almost bought, but Norris used his knowledge to save the day, and they treated him to lime cordial and bath oliver biscuits in Llandrindod Wells (RPattz and Kristen had cigarettes and coke) to reward him.

They still have not found the eohippi which they seek, but Kristen in particular is said to be passionate about the scheme, though Norris McWhirter is becoming weary of the affair, since they don't give him any petrol money and he is only supposed to have been summoned on a temporary ghost contract.

So the eohippus remains elusive for the sexy duo, though it does give them something to do between Twilight episodes.

Perhaps I should not be surprised at their failure:

The Eohippus My dreams of breeding eohippi (you wouldn't need big fields, or fences that are high) could never be fulfilled of course: the notion of farming a tiny extinct horse whose latin name is hyracotherium is mere delerium.

* any connections to A E Housman are purely semantic

** any connections to Miles Davis are purely titular

*** any connections to Thomas de Quincey are purely supernatural

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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