Global model and international socialite Peaches Geldof, 15, the daughter of gnarled curmudgeon and professional beggar Bob Geldof, 98, has become an organ donor, a source close to unemployment revealed to the Daily Figment, yesterday, writes Bertram Shandy (hic.).
It seems that transatlantic tartlet Peaches, who spreads her legs between Los Angeles and Whipsnade Zoo, is ready to donate an organ, in a good deed to those in need, when the need arises in those in whom a need has indeed arisen to have a good deed done for their needs.
Ubiquitously promiscuous Peaches, 14, is the great-niece of the late Hughie Green, who was famous for being impersonated by Mike 'and this is me' Yarwood, and for hosting the primitive TV 'talent show' Opportunity Knocks which was popular in the Middle Paleolithic Period and which inspired modern-day shows like Britain's Got Ego-Maniacs and Twat Factor. It also inspired juicy jailbait-lookalike Peaches, 13, as she realised that she could grasp the opportunity to use her knockers to get head, er, ahead.
Where was I? Ah. Another great-aunt of Lolita-luscious Peaches, 12, was the late Dame Jess Yates, a sinister monk-like vampire, who regularly preyed upon simple-minded TV audiences in the 12th century, when everybody had goitres and ate raw turnips and worshipped Dame Jess, as he mesmerised them on Sundays, playing his organ like the Phantom of the Opera in the Dark Ages TV show Stars on Sunday. Did I say the audiences worshipped him (yes you did - Ed.)?
And this is the very organ - handed down from generation to generation - that tattooed taxi-flashing pixie-esque pudenda-profferer Peaches, 11, is set to donate, according to our source (I thought we'd never get to the pay-off - Ed.).
The organ - Vampire Monk Jess Yates' original 12th century marble Yamaha - is soon to be donated by his great-niece, pert and perky Peaches, 10, to a witches' coven near her UK home in Whipsnade Zoo.
Her local church, St Biffo's, refused to take the organ, due to it having "sinister undertones", but the witches are grateful.
"Looking at her Facebook pics, we think Peaches would enjoy our naked rituals", enthused Head Crone Hilary Beefcurtains, 47, an organic willow sculptress. "We've invited her to sit at the organ and accompany us, in a tribute to her great-aunt Dame Jess. We do hope she can make it."
This story was sponsored by Grampound's India Pale Ale and Lovejoy's Pubic Wigs ("It's a Ferkin' Top Merkin!")