Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 20 April 2010

image for Robert Pattinson: Kristen Stewart Did Not Chew Lindsay Lohan's Carpet
Kristen Does Not Chew This Kind of Thing, Especially Not Lindsay Lohan's

The increasing prevalence of media articles claiming that moody Twilight sex-symbol Kristen Stewart is a rug-muncher have angered her gothic stud co-star and intimate friend Robert Pattinson so much that he has been moved to issue a denial of the rumours, a source close to the Daily Desperation claimed yesterday.

The latest accusation doing the rounds - that Stewart had eaten Lyndsey Lohan's carpet - has apparently caused quite an eruption in RPattz. When we asked our source if this eruption was of Eyjafjallajokullian proportions, he said "that's hard to say".

But it seems that Pattinson was advised by his lawyers, Spong, Multifacet & Quimfeather, to issue a rebuttal of the slurs. However, Rpattz thought that Twilight fans would not know what a rebuttal was, so a denial has been put out instead.

Our source said that Pattinson and Stewart had initially hoped to ride out the carpet-gobbler jibes, but the latest story has simply "gone too far".

"RPattz feels he just has to defend Kristen's honour", the source claimed.

"Robert feels he must repudiate this latest one, as it is clearly another example of the kind of ridiculous unsubstantiated story that comes from the time-wasting internet satirists who are just trying to get hits on their articles.

"The idea that Kristen, a genuine Goth, who owes her emaciated, ashen look to her steady diet of cigarettes and coke, would be a customer of Lyndsey Lohan's new Los Angeles Edible Soft Furnishings Restaurant, 'Fluffy Rugs, Flounces & Pelmets', is frankly ludicrous.

"Robert and Kristen would just laugh this off, but they are aware of the viral power of these things, and want to be proactive in scotching the rumour."

When we asked our source whether the word "scotching" was a clue to the nationality of the internet satirist responsible for the Lindsay Lohan story, he said "that's hard to say, but not as hard as it is to say 'Eyjafjallajokullian proportions' - though this, time it's likely to be someone else as the latest, story goes on too long, is more, developed and is probably from another part of the spoofing spectrum. We don't suspect a Colonel Juan double-spoof either."

More as it comes (that's not a clue either, apparently - Ed.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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