LOS ANGELES - The weather was great. The food was good. And the young starlets and singers were prancin', dancin', and romancin' all over the effen place.
Beyonce and her man Jay-Z were on stage singing and acting like they literally owned the place. Beyonce was wearing a tattered white T-shirt that had just about every vulgar word that radio host Howard Stern has ever uttered.
The only word that was missing was the "V" word. Jay-Z was dressed completely in black and once the sun went down the boy was pretty much downright hard to see, until Beyonce said something funny and the bro dude smiled.
Katy Perry was all over the place, dressed in a black bra top with a wide black belt halter band which barely covered her quite ample perk-as-hell boobockers (tits).
The girl, who sang about kissing a girl, wore her ever-present silver strap sandals, black and white sunglasses, and black and silver crotchless panties.
She was also smoking Marlboro Lights one right after the other. She was asked where her fiance was. Kelly shrugged her shoulders and replied that if she had to guess he was back in Britain somewhere playing with himself while thinking about Cheryl Cole's bearded taco.
Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's daughter Kelly looked like the typical California valley girl with a purple wig, 1950s black and white shoes, and a dress that looked like it had been sew from the bedspread on her grandmother's bed.
Kelly really and truly looked like she was 55, instead of 25. She kept saying that she felt like her calves had gotten somewhat swollen. They certainly had and in fact they looked like calves that could be attached to any one of the three KKK girls, Kirstie Alley, Kathy Bates, or Kathleen Turner.
And Brit gal Peaches Geldof showed up wearing an orange fur coat, with a zebra print low-cut blouse, and skin tight Daisy Duke short shorts that on several occasions managed to show a slight glimpse of her labia majora.
British model, Agyness Deyn, seemed to be mesmerized by Peaches' groin region and she literally followed her around like a shadow. Finally Peaches wrote her a check for $200 and Agyness left to go beaver shoot some other celeb.
Several bands from the United Kingdom that were supposed to have played did not show up due to the damn volcanic ash from the damn volcano in damn Iceland.
Four of the top no-show English bands were The Cribs, Los Campesinos, Ashley Cold Cuts & The Bastard Baloney Band, and the hip hop band from Manchester Tit 4 Tat.
To see some extremely explicitly revealing photos of this year's Coachella Music Festival please log on to www.coachellabeavershots.mmm