ALDERSON, WV (AP) Martha Stewart, serving 5 months in Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia for lying to federal agents, says that she will not return to Connecticut upon her release this March. Speaking now with a noticeable twang in her voice, Martha Steward said, "I've made lots of good friends here at Alderson -- many of them from West Virginia. I've become very fond of the people down here… and I've decided to stay!"
When asked about her Martha Stewart Living empire, she said, "Oh, I have people that can run that for me. I'm going to get myself a nice trailer to share with my friend Lou-Ann in Mobley, West Virginia. It's a real small town. There's not much going on in Mobley, but its very peaceful and quiet. It will be a nice change from my life in Connecticut. Lou-Ann and I are talking about putting in a small garden and digging a root cellar. I know how to garden and I'm sure I'll be able to decorate a trailer somehow. Any way, all that decorating stuff really doesn't mean much to me any more. I sort of got out of the habit while living in this here jail cell."
Spoof reporter Morgan Truce then pressed Martha Stewart for some more details about her new friend. "Well, Lou-Ann and I are just good friends… you know how close you can become to someone when you've been sharing a five by eight foot cell for several months. We brush each other's hair and… you know, all that girl stuff. Lou-Ann's got a pickup truck just outside the gate and she's getting out the same week I do, so I guess we'll just head on up to Mobley and check out our new place. I had some of my people from New York go to Mobley and get the place ready for me - just a little bit."
........LATE BREAKING NEWS............
MOBLEY, WV (Clarksburg Gazette Local News) During the past two weeks the little town of Mobley has been transformed from a bunch of modest homes, trailers and small farms into a collection of trendy country estates. Last month there was not a single business besides the gas plant. Now there's a Starbucks and three fine restaurants. A new Mobley Mall featuring some of the nation's finest boutique and department stores will be opening this coming April. Real estate prices are booming - making millionaires out of most area real estate agents. All the old time Mobley residents have sold out for the highest dollar and moved to Myrtle Beach.
One real estate agent, Judy Pinkler said, "I remember driving through Mobley several years ago. I couldn't find a stop sign there, much less a bunch of restaurants, art galleries, and a mall. Mobley has really become a booming real estate market ever since word got out that Martha Stewart will be living here."