LONDON - Sir Basil Nigel Cheesejoy, deputy director of all Heathrow flights, has stated that all flights originating from "Big H" are cancelled due to, as he so eloquently put it, "All of the damn, friggin, bloomin' ass blitherin', bloody blimey volcanic effen ash coming from effen Iceland's piece of shit(e) volcano doncha know."
Cheesjoy said that he has never in his entire 37 year career as DD of Heathrow seen so many angry, upset, pissed off bloomin' Brits as he has during the past 24 hours.
He said that one passenger, a Mrs. Ethel Elvira Tuckershire, 97, of West Wickwam went up to him and cussed him out in Cockney, and then proceeded to curse him out in French, German, Icelandic, Swahili, and Apache.
He said that she finally stopped her ranting when he punched her in the mouth with a super-sized crumpet he just happened to be eating at the moment.
Mrs. Tuckershire managed to wrestle the crumpet away from Mr. Cheesejoy and she forcefully stuck it down the front of his pants into his shorts where it came in contact with Cheesejoy's blimey limey (peter).
Luckily for Cheesejoy, two airport security guards saw what was happening and they immediately sicked the security German Shepherd, Sir Pouncer, on Mrs. Tuckershire.
Tuckershire was treated on the spot by airport medical staffers and all three individuals agreed that the dog bites are not life threatening and that the pain should go away in about six days.
They added that there will be some scaring, but were quick to point out that hopefully, for all concerned, Mrs. Tuckershire learned a valuable lesson and that is to never again cuss out a Heathrow staff member.
In a related story. Susan Boyle was supposed to have flown out of Heathrow for La Paz, Peru, but instead decided to travel by car down to Portsmouth where she will board a Peruvian bound cargo ship instead.